


endless dream | e. yeager

by it_wasntme



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Gender-Neutral Hange Zoë, Manga & Anime, Non-Canonical Character Death, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan Manga Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:15:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 40,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28178238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/it_wasntme/pseuds/it_wasntme
Summary: "𝙔𝙚𝙖𝙝, 𝙩𝙤𝙩𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮.  𝙄'𝙡𝙡  𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚  𝙮𝙤𝙪  𝙛𝙤𝙧, 𝙡𝙞𝙠𝙚- 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧."Eren x Fem!ReaderYou love everything about life. Even after your friends and family were taken away by Marley, you still found reasons to smile, despite your ever frowning face. But of course, shit hits the fan and the worlds feels like it's about to end. And what's even worse it that you can't find it in you to care. Crying won't stop it and neither will smiling, so does it even matter at this point?All you wanted was to see the world past the walls. The real world, not little dick Marley with Apeface and his cronies. You wanted to see the icy plains, flaming water, the sea. All the wonders that were promised beyond the wall. But in a world with human eating giants, what else could you expect? It's exactly like they say, if it can go wrong, best believe it will.∙∙·▫ₒₒ▫ᵒᴼᵒ▫ₒₒ▫ᵒᴼᵒ▫·∙∙OR:∙∙·▫ₒₒ▫ᵒᴼᵒ▫ₒₒ▫ᵒᴼᵒ▫·∙∙In which you can't do anything but watch as the life you worked so hard to rebuild slowly deteriorates before your eyes.*aot and all it's characters belong to isayama hajime, i only own the plot and ocs*
Relationships: Eren Yeager/Reader, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 21
Kudos: 179





	1. -welcome-

Welcome! Don't feel pressured to read this, I just wanted to give some insight on the story!

-Reader is not depicted having a certain skin color, eye color, hair type, etc. I'm a POC, so it's strange for me to read "...I blushed pink" because I don't blush. I also left out lines depicting height and hair for the same reasons.

+Reader is ~25% Eldian (which is presented as white in the franchise) just for the plot. It won't bring about mentions of race, just that one of your grandparents was Eldian.

-No 18+ for now. I physically can't write it guys, I'm sorry 😭 My hands literally freeze up whenever I try. There is a _very_ slim chance that when I'm finished with this book, I would add a one-shot at the end, but again it's a _very slim_ chance.

+Manga/S4 spoilers. This picks up at Ch 100/101 and will end at Ch 133/134. Things will be a little different, but nothing major enough to change the story line. 

Please don't steal my story. I worked really hard on this, so just be a ✨decent person✨ and don't steal anyone's work for that matter. The characters and base story obviously belong to Isayama Hajime, not me.


	2. i

"For the love of God, _please_ pop a breath mint." You scrunch your face in disgust, tighten the ropes, and turn on your heel. The last thing you needed right now was to be Zeke's babysitter but Levi didn't care, he just dropped him off on the airship and left again. But it'll be fine, the others should be bringing Eren in only a matter of minutes.

"You can untie me, I won't leave or anything. It's not that big of a deal. And besides, my breath doesn't stink, it's just the alcohol," Zeke chided. You glanced back at him, ignoring the fact that there wasn't even any alcohol being served to the public at Tybur's speech. He was smiling, like nothing had even happened.

 _'That smug bitch, just you wait_ _unti_ _-'_ You had just gotten an idea. You stopped in your tracks and faced Zeke with a smile. "Yeah, you know what Apeface, maybe I can work it out," You stopped to admire the grimace that showed on Zeke's face at the nickname. "Actually, yeah, I can untie you no problem. But it's pretty obvious what'll have to happen isn't it? I just don't want you to bite off more than you can chew,"

Zeke's previous grin immediately dropped from his face as soon as he saw you smile (you were known for having quite the resting bitch face). But he _really_ wanted to get untied. What you had in plan couldn't be that bad could it? Zeke hesitantly nodded even though he didn't have the slightest idea of 'what had to happen.'

Upon seeing his approval your eyes started to sparkle. Zeke's eyes widened at seeing your reaction. Just what the hell were you really thinking?

You reached in to your back pocket and pulled out your pocket knife that Eren had given you a few months back as a gift. One of your many prized possessions, a perfectly sharpened blade that fit your palm perfectly. It's handle was an opalescent soft pink, truthfully too pretty to be as dangerous as it was.

You walked over to Zeke, looking both ways to make sure Levi wasn't around. You hadn't heard him announce they were back on the airship, but you knew it was a matter of time. Figuring that he wasn't here, you flicked the blade out and rose your hand. Zeke pushed his wrists out, offering the rope to you so you could cut it. You brought your blade down in one swift swing and heard a delightful _squelch._

There went Zeke's left thumb and index finger. They fell to the ground in front of you with a soft _thud_. You look up at Zeke's face and he's a ghostly white.

"What the _hell_ was that for? I thought you were going to cut the ropes." He says. His voice shakes and you can tell he probably wants to yell at you, but knows better because you didn't seem to hesitate his two fingers off and he surely doesn't want to risk a third. You can't help but raise an eyebrow at him. _'_ _What did he think I was thinking? The dumb bitch really believed I'd untie him, didn't he?'_

"What do you mean? I have to give you _some_ type of major injury, preferably a missing or broken limb. Otherwise, you'll just transform and _BOOM!_ Everyone in this airship is dead, and it's an easy escape for you. If I had a bigger blade I would just cut your arms clean off, but I had to settle for your fingers and toes and hope that it was enough," Zeke watches in horror as you ramble on about how you could've cut literally anything else off rather than his two fingers. He starts to tune you out once you get to the part about how you could've cut off his dick if you really wanted.

"In any case, just be glad that all you lost were two fingers. Could've been worse, or I could've been Levi." You snort when you see how Zeke tenses up at the name. You lean down to face him, "Just keep the ropes on, it's not like you'll die from them. And truth be told, if you did, no one here would care. We'd just make sure to keep your heart barely beating until someone could take your Titan back at Paradis."

 _'God, this is who's leading the Warrior program? Should've known he was a pussy the second they thought_ _Bertholdt_ _was a good example of a "warrior"'_ You thought. You wipe your knife off with the edge of Zeke's shirt and walk away. His finger and thumb were already half way grown in, so you didn't worry about him.

You sit back in your chair listening to the screams outside of the airship. A few minutes passed and you felt the trademark rumble and flash of light that came with Armin's transformation. If you tried hard enough, you could almost hear the melodic sounds of falling bullet casings, the bangs of the thunder spears being deployed. You start humming along to the sharp, steady rhythmic pops of the guns. You strain your ears, and sure enough there it is, you can faintly hear the zips of the new ODM gear being used.

 _'Hmm, a symphony for the dead and forgotten- what's that called again? I believe it was a requiem...Damn, Levi making me read all those books might be paying off,'_ You shook off your thoughts and went back to listening the symphony.

You lean back in your chair, picking the front legs slightly off the ground. And you sing away. Matching your voice to the _requiem,_ the sick and haunting melody reached Zeke's ears. If it weren't so morbid, he could admit you had a fairly nice voice, but it was horrifying. Is this why Eren was so enchanted by you? Zeke now saw it, you and Eren were connected even when the two of you weren't aware of it. Eren, the conductor of the tune you sung as if it were a hymn. And you, the uncaring muse, still belting away in the midst of despair.

Scattered _la la la'_ s start to flow through the air and fall out of the open door to the air ship. You don't even notice that your chair is almost completely tipped back, a true miracle that you hadn't off fallen yet. You're lost in your own thoughts and incoherent singing. Thoughts that track back, back to before you were stuck watching this insufferable mid-life crisis. Back to before all this shit happened.

\---------------------------------------

-The First Trip to Marley-

 _"_ _Oooo_ _~ so many to choose from! How about...what should I get?" You're indecisive. There's so many things to do, see, and try now that you're in Marley. You see Mikasa and wave her over_ _to stand in front of the ice cream stall with you._

_She gives you a tight smile and walks over to you. "Hey. What're you still doing over here? Everyone else already got their ice cream," You look behind her and sure enough, everyone else is looking at the buildings and cars in amazement, treats in hand._

_You give Mikasa a lopsided grin. She visibly tenses but you don't notice. "Ah, I didn't know everyone was waiting on me; I just didn't know what flavor to get...Why don't you go ahead of me? I'll have some more time to choose." Mikasa doesn't show any signs that she heard you, except for the fact that she_ _goes in front of you._

 _You smile as she decides on a vanilla cone. She merely glances at you and walks away without another word. You think nothing of it, Mikasa's always been like this around you. You know she had a hard childhood and decide that must be what makes her so cold towards you. Your eyes follow her figure as she walks away to go talk to Eren. You see her smile at him, only to receive a dismissive glance in return. Yet her smile never falters, or if it does, you couldn't_ _see from where you were._

_You see them exchange a few words before you finally decide on what you want. "Can I get chocolate, but in a cup?" You smile as the velvety custard gets scooped into the bright cup. A light blue spoon gets stuck into the top of the scoop, perfectly centered. You take a bite and stand there for a second getting used to the new food._

_It's cold like ice, but sweet like candy? Peculiar, but you've definitely heard of stranger things. You take another bite and smile. Looking around, you notice that Mikasa is no longer near Eren and he's standing alone, looking out towards the water. You walk over, realizing that it'll be the first time you would be talking to him all day._

_"Hey Yeager," you say rather plainly. But it's ok, Eren doesn't mind. The both of you are plain together. Indifferent, uninterested, delightfully, almost painfully, plain_ _together_.

_Eren nods at you in acknowledgement. You absent-mindedly pass him your cup of ice cream. He takes a bite and passes it back, leaning on the railing so his back is facing the water. You take your cup and the two of you pass it back and forth until it's gone._

_You lean into the railing, looking at the water. It's a sickly green today, resembling a rock you saw in the gift shop at the ocean dock. The rock was called sea glass, which you thought was stupid, as it's either a rock or glass, but you weren't able to ask the shop keeper before Levi dragged you away for being 'insufferable'_

_You and Eren relish in each other's presence. A comfortable silence drifts between the two of you. For your friends, it'd be odd to see you so quiet. You weren't a social butterfly by any means, and you weren't particularly loyal to any one cluster, but it was still_ _strange for you to be so somber._

 _You spoke, popping the bubble that had formed around the two of you. "You know, I was disappointed when we_ _found out there was life- Or more so that there were people beyond the walls. I wanted other people to share the burden of the Titans with us and then we find out the people on the outside were the ones who cursed us," You dryly laughed, eyes locked onto the water. "Ironic isn't it?" Eren looks at you and you can feel his eyes burning through your cheek. You feel your face heat up and you look down. "Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that we could even leave Paradis, but at this point I just wish I had died ignorant." You sigh and look back up at the water, gazing at the boats floating on the glistening water._

_You still feel his eyes on you when you hear him speak. "You shouldn't feel ashamed for your thoughts," You glance over at Eren meeting his eyes as he continues talking, "I'm sure that others on Paradis feel that way too. No one wants to be given false hope of a better life only to find out they'll most likely never get it." Eren turns around to face the water with you and the two of you stand there, looking out in the sea, one of the many wonders you two were so eager to view._

_That same silence from before covers the two of you like a blanket. It's an escape from the heavy topic you had just discussed. That was another thing that was nice with Eren, you could bring anything up and he'd amuse you, create a conversation that could go on for hours and you still wouldn't get bored. But just as easily, you'd rest in each other's silence, as if you could talk to each other through thoughts._

_You place one hand on the railing and rest your face on your other. You pretend to not notice Eren's hand falling on top of yours and Eren pretends to not notice your bashful eyes looking everywhere but him._

_You don't even realize that the two of you have been left behind by the rest of the group. Too caught in the serene moment. To anyone_ _else_ _it would look normal, two teens who're plain and kinda in love, looking out onto the water._


	3. ii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah! how embarrassing, i posted the wrong chapter so if you saw 'iii' just ignore it. i corrected this as soon as i saw it!

You look up when you hear foot steps clacking inside the airship. It's not you, it sure as hell isn't Zeke, (he was still bitching about his fingers, even though they had grown back by now) and when you checked, the Hange and Onyankopon were still in their seats.

The Scouts wouldn't be this quiet when coming back, so you didn't have the slightest clue who it was. You pulled your pocket knife out from your pocket, grabbed one random ass person from the group, and held your knife to their throat.

"What the hell! Let me go-" You froze at the familiar voice and realized you had your knife to Connie's neck. You immediately removed your knife and pushed him away.

"What the hell do you mean 'wHaT tHe HeLl'! You guys left me in an airship in enemy territory and didn't even announce yourselves. For all I know, Apeface's friends might've wanted a piece of my fine ass-" You stopped speaking when you looked behind Mikasa and saw Eren.

You blinked to make sure you weren't seeing things. You noticed that his hair had gotten considerably longer compared to the last time you had seen him and that he had grown a stubble. You walked over to grab his hand but before you could, Mikasa moved in front of him, becoming an effective barrier between the two of you. Eren rolled his eyes and put a hand on Mikasa's shoulder to let her know it was okay. She glanced at you before walking away.

 _'Yeah, cause me grabbing his hand is so dangerous!'_ You were a little irritated, as this really wasn't the time for Mikasa's obvious disdain towards you to be the main focus, but nothing could ruin being able to see Eren after so long. No one said anything to stop you, not even Levi. You dragged Eren to a supply closet and heard Jean and Connie groan in disgust.

You ignored them and made your way into the closet, leaning your back against the closed door. "Nice to see that my boyfriend is back to committing war crimes," You spoke in a flat tone.

He stared at you for a bit before responding, "Boyfriend? I thought I was your husband?" Eren said. You couldn't even tell if he was making a joke or if transforming really killed some of his braincells. If that were the case, you could only hope that they would grow back half as fast as Zeke's fingers.

You looked at Eren in disbelief. "Don't bring that up right now. What the hell were you thinking Yeager? You can't just leave the group when we're not at home. Especially because we're overseas, you're a fucking wanted man, and you've never been here before. Sure you have Grisha and Krueger's memories..." Eren's mind wandered as he stared at your face.

Eren had decided a few years ago that he liked your face, but he especially liked it right now. He liked how the dim ceiling light put an antique yellow glow over your face. He liked how contorted it got when you were angry. You always looked angry, a scowl and furrowed brow pasted onto you. Eren had learned how to mimic your face over the years, first to poke at you, but after a while it became useful. He almost looked more like you than you did, your faces looking detached from everything around you. Is that why you two looked so plain? So bored and unamused? You and Eren, the most passionate, yet you both held such blank expressions.

But when you smiled, it was like a thousand pins pricked themselves in Eren's brain. You were beautiful, mind-numbingly beautiful. The first time he made you smile, completely on his own with none of Horseface's help, Eren felt his heart beat twice as fast. It was euphoric because it meant that you noticed him. Not Connie, Jean, or even Armin. You laughed at a stupid joke Eren made and his world lit up. He didn't even mind that you explained it was technically a _jayus_ _,_ a joke so terribly executed that you couldn't help but laugh. All Eren cared about when he was in the hospital camp, all he thought of, was you. He was doing all of this for you. So you could have a life worth living, so you could see the ice plains and the sand fields, so that you could live to see the day where you could do whatever you wanted without worrying about enemies. Everything was for you.

"...and those _dreams_. You scared me so bad I had dreams of you. Dreams where you were _executed._ And it's maybe ten times worse because we both know that if you were caught it would've been reality," Eren tuned back in to what you were saying. Dreams? Did his absence really hit you that hard?

"I'm...sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. I did it for a reason, I promise." Eren's voice held little to no emotion. But what else could you expect? You knew that he was probably tired and it was no use beating a dead horse.

"I'm sure you think you did, but you killed civilians. At this point, you're no better than Reiner and Bertholdt were," you start. "I can recognize that we can't bring back the dead, but if you kill another kid... I swear that you'll never end up having one of your own, Yeager," You turned around and opened the door, walking away with Eren behind you.

You were so pissed that you didn't even pay attention when Levi was insulting Eren. Once the grand show was over, you heard something; it sounded like a _zip!_ A quick one too, almost like ODM gear. You took a quick head count and everyone was there. You spun around to face the door and there you saw them. At a first glance, you saw a young boy and a girl with a rifle. But upon closer inspection...you've got to be shitting me.

"Falco...?"

\---------------------------------------

-10 days in Marley-

_You sighed. It was so boring in the living quarters. Sasha and Connie were out exploring, which sounded fun at first, but it was hard to enjoy going out with them when you were more of a babysitter._

_Jean and Levi were out of the question. You had already bothered the two of them for the last few days and you'd feel bad if you didn't let them get a break for a bit._

_Eren was having an off day. He told you he was working on something and you decided to let him be, only checking up on him by knocking on the door to see if he was okay. On days like this is was best to leave him alone, if he wanted to talk about it he would._

_Hange and_ _Onyankopan_ _were also sightseeing, but they were going to visit the more mundane places like a shoe store...or something like that. You weren't paying attention when Hange explained, a skill you picked up after years in the Scouts._

_The only people left were Mikasa and Armin. Normally Mikasa's presence would keep you away, as you knew she wasn't particularly fond of you, but it seems boredom and loneliness would beat common sense today. Armin had mentioned that he was going to stop by the library to get new books. It'd be pretty cool to check out some books that he had recommended._

_You dragged yourself out of bed and got ready. You shut your window, pulled on your shoes, and ran downstairs to see Armin getting ready to leave._

_"Hey, Armin. I don't want to be a bother, but is it okay if I go to the library with you? I'd like to get a few of those books you mentioned earlier." Armin looked up from buttoning his jacket to make eye contact with you. He gave you a warm smile._

_"Are you sure you want to go with? Mikasa's tagging along and we both know how she gets. I wouldn't want you to feel awkward," You hopped down the last few steps, grabbing_ _Armin's_ _book off of the entry table for him._

_"I'll be fine, Armin. I don't mind Mikasa, I just don't think she feels the same towards me," You walked with Armin out of the building. "Eren says it's probably because I look so unapproachable," Armin smiled at that. He hadn't talked to Eren in a few days; something about a big project coming up._

_The two of you engaged in small talk while waiting for Mikasa out side of the quarters. She walked out, dressed in a long shirt and pants, with a smile on her face. But once she saw you, her smile dropped and she turned right back around, walking back into the building. You frowned, brows furrowing deeper than they naturally sat._

_Armin sighed and started walking off with out Mikasa. "Just leave her be. If she really wants to go, she can catch up with us. She knows where we'll be going." You nod and jog so you could walk next to him, soon falling in synchronized steps_ _that you quickly ruined with your uneven strides._

_When you arrived at the library, it was hard to contain your excitement. You ran inside, Armin trailing behind you. It was huge! Wall to wall shelves filled with books. Large books, small books, text books, pocket books. Way more than you had ever seen in your life before; it made the Scouts' collection look miniscule. And that's when it hit you yet again, you had barely seen a fraction of the world and you were nearly 20._

_You shook off your thoughts. It's nothing to get upset over, because now you finally have the chance to see it all! You fluttered around, never staying in one section for long before coming across a colorful flyer tacked to a wall._

_"LIBRARIAN NEEDED! GOOD PAY, PREFERABLY NOT_ _ELDIAN_ _! 3 DAY WEEKS, CAN BE NEGOTIATED"_

_You rolled your eyes. It's not like anyone would know you were Eldian, much less from Paradis, unless you wore the identifying arm band. You looked at the flyer again. 'It wouldn't be a bad idea to get a job...It would be nice to have my own money and get out every once in a while.'_

_You had decided, you would become a librarian. It couldn't be that hard and you'd always wonder what it'd be like (you really hadn't, you just wanted to self-rationalize making such a brash decision). Good pay, 3 day weeks? It was practically a gift from Ymir. You walked over to the front desk where the current librarian was stationed at._

_"Um- hi! I was wondering if the second librarian position was open?" You had a polite smile pasted on your face when you saw that the woman wasn't wearing an armband._ _Marleyans_ _had a tendency to be snobby to everyone, even other_ _Marleyans_ _who just_ looked _below them, so it was easier for you to be straight forward and get it over with._

_The woman gave you a wide grin. She stood up to shake your hand. Shocked, you hesitated a moment before offering your hand to do the same. "I'm Eliza! Oh, I've been waiting for someone to walk up to me and ask! It definitely helps that you're a looker, you'll bring in so many new and young faces. Let me help you get started!" You stood in front of the desk, frozen. What the hell was that? All you asked was if the position was still available._

_You didn't have time to process because Eliza was already up and off. You followed her around the library learning how the checkout system works (even though it was nearly the exact same as it was back home) and where everything was. It seemed fairly easy, after all, it wasn't like you were dumb or anything. You graduated first in your class for a reason._

_"Well, that seems like everything...How early do you think you can start?" Eliza questioned. You suddenly remembered that you were still with Armin. It's not like you could just leave him. You asked Eliza if you could be excused for one second._

_"Hey! Armin!" you whisper-yelled. He looked up from the book he was flipping through, looking in both directions before spotting you to his left. He nodded to you in acknowledgement. "I got a job here, you know, for day to day profiling. Anyway, I think she wants me to start today. Will you be okay on your own for the rest of the day?" Armin simply nodded his head again before going back to flipping through the book. You smiled and made your way back to Eliza._

_"I think I'm good to start today, if that works with you?" You don't think that you've seen a bigger smile in your life. Eliza grabbed and squeezed the life out of you. You awkwardly laughed before she let you go._

_"Well if you're starting right now, I think I can leave. I'll get all of your paper work filed away. You'll be working on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays as it stands. If it doesn't work out, just let me know and we can switch," Eliza grabbed her stuff from behind the desk and ushered you in. "Don't worry about locking up, the janitor does that at night. We close at 5, so you only have about...4 hours of the day left." And with that, Eliza was off._

_You sighed. 'I better get some good information, otherwise Levi won't hesitate to make me quit' You fidgeted around behind the desk. Setting Eliza's leftover papers in her filing cabinet before laying out the the books that needed to be checked in. You didn't even notice that someone was standing before you until they cleared their throat._

_You looked up to see a boy with light hair and what looked like his brother standing behind him. The younger boy set his books down on the counter in front of you and dug in his pockets for a while before pulling out a tattered library card. You checked the boy's books out, but not before looking at the name that was hastily scribbled on the card, 'Falco'_

_You handed the boy his books and then you noticed his and his brother's armbands. "Hey, the two of you are Warrior candidates right?" They both looked nervous, as if you were going to degrade them. You gave them a smile before carrying out the act, "What you're doing is amazing. I don't think I could ever stomach having to eat someone. Just the thought of it makes me feel a bit ill," You giggled a bit at that part. Falco offered up a small smile, while his brother didn't even show a sign he had heard you. 'God, this is wrong. You're telling me that they start these kids off when they're this young?'_

_"How about I give the both of you new library cards? It's the least I could do for the future heroes of Marley." You dug around in a drawer in the desk, shifting stacks of paper and pushing around numerous boxes of pens and pencils. Towards the bottom, you saw what you were looking for. You reached into the manila envelope and pulled out two new library cards. You handed one to each of the boys and pushed a pen to each of them as well._

_They hesitated until you nodded to them, wondering why they hadn't written their names down yet. Then you realized, they probably thought this was a cruel joke. They were_ _Eldians_ _, 'devils,' and you were just giving them things for free? You gave them a look of pity while they were writing their names. They handed you their cards and you entered them into the filing system._

 _"Thanks Miss?" Falco started. You laughed and showed him your name tag. "Oh. Thanks Miss (Y/N)! I really appreciate it." His brother gave you a nod of thanks before grabbing_ _Falco's_ _books for him._

_"It's really no problem- Falco? was it? Just make sure to visit me every once in a while. It'll be nice to see some familiar faces while I'm working," You said with a modest smile. Falco eagerly nodded his head before running out of the library, his brother in tow._

_You finished your uneventful work day with Armin being the last person that you'd checked out. You pushed in the chair and put your papers in your filing cabinet before making your way back home._

_Maybe it wasn't so bad in Marley? Eliza was definitely kind and Falco and his brother were polite. You looked around you, admiring the scenery during your walk, a small smile steadily growing on your face. Yet the optimistic spirit was immediately soiled upon seeing an Eldian man and his wife getting kicked out of a restaurant._

_'How could I forget? I only had a good day because no one knows I'm Eldian,' You bitterly thought. 'I just wanted to see a fucking sand field and it seems like that can't even go right.' You made your way home, stewing in the acidic mood that never failed to make an appearance while you were in Marley._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew! i have around 5 more chapters done, as i posted this on wattpad first. that being said, once im around halfway? done with this fic, would yall want one with colt? ive had a soft spot for him ever since the first chapter he appeared in. itd most likely be a modern au due to some plot stuff that happenz🙄 hm, just let me know if you guys would be interested, as i also have a jean fic and an armin fic in progress as well.


	4. iii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im hoping that all of you are having an amazing day! the great conjunction is today [dec. 21] , which is when saturn and jupiter will align almost perfectly (which i believe is less than .1 degrees apart) for the first time in nearly 400 years. it creates a double planet effect, which causes the illusion of a super bright "star" in the sky. this "star" is also believed to be the star of bethlehem, which helped lead the 3 kings to baby jesus, yadda, yadda, yadda. ne way, i just wanted to let yall know, as you can look it up on google and see some videos of it from astrology labs and such. from where i am, it was too cloudy for me to see it :( so if its clear out where you are, please go look at it! its supposed to be really beautiful!

"Miss!" Falco yelled. You cringed at how even in an airship filled with enemies, he still made sure to use his manners. Ymir, bless him. "You've got to get out of here! Gabi and I came to stop the ship," Falco's face went pale as his eyes reached Zeke in the corner, eyes widening at the sight of Zeke's two fingers on the ground.

During all the commotion, the girl you assumed was Gabi rose the gun and aimed it at Sasha. You froze. _'No way. Not today bitch-'_ You flicked the blade of your knife out and grabbed the girl, holding the knife to her throat and raising one of your legs to kick the gun out of her hands. 

The gun slid across the floor next to Connie who picked it up. Once they had the gun, you let the girl go, not wanting to actually hurt her. She ran to stand next to Falco but not before kicking you in the shins, or rather attempting because it was sloppy and you just stepped to the side.

Falco looked at you in disbelief. You were so _nice._ He and Colt had tried to visit you at least once a week on the days they knew you were working. Colt seemed as if he even considered you a friend, although Falco thought it was little more than that; maybe you didn't notice it, but Falco sure did.

Little things like how clammy his brother's hands would get, which Falco always noticed when grabbing his books from Colt. How even though it never appeared as though Colt had never been interested in a girl before, he would always talk about how smart and intelligent you were, even though you would only state the obvious such as, ' _It's a really beautiful day today isn't it? You should make sure to get outside, future Warriors need to stay in good shape!'_ Everyone knew that it was good to get daily activity, but Colt would obsess over it as if he had never heard such insightful words before. Falco would never admit it, but he was hoping that you and Colt would end up together. You were kind and he wouldn't have minded if you were to join the family.

But now all of that was ruined. Was it all really an act? He saw that your smile in relief was the exact same as the one you had given him when he found a lost book. You acted the same, your voice sounded the same, you even walked the exact same; your irregular strides still as odd as they were only a few months earlier. So what changed? There was no way you were really aiding Paradis...right?

Falco didn't even fight back when he was getting tied up. Gabi on the other hand did, but stopped when you threatened to go back to take Reiner's Titan for yourself. She scoffed and mumbled a small, barely audible, _"Island devil. What else could we expect from you?"_ You didn't even seem phased, just offered her a smile and stalked off to go berate Zeke so he'd make room for them on the ground next to him.

Once you were back, you held them by the shoulders and lead them over to where Zeke was resting. Falco subconsciously leaned into your warm touch. You seemed just as motherly right now as you did back when he'd visit you in the library. _'There's no way,'_ Falco decided. _'It's obvious that she doesn't want to do this. Otherwise she'd have hurt us by now. I'll trust her, she can get us out of this.'_

The kids sat down on the ground. Gabi next to Zeke and Falco next to Gabi. You scooched all three of them over so that there'd be room for you. Falco looked over at you in surprise, why would anyone sit next to the people they had just tied up and leave themselves practically defenseless. 

"I'm really sorry it had to turn out like this...I'm just glad that you're alive," You spoke. Gabi scoffed in disbelief before looking down at her hands. "It's true. I never wanted you two to get hurt, I know how you feel." Gabi lifted her head up with a rage in her eyes that was so strong Falco nearly flinched at it.

"You know how we feel...? You don't know anything! Imagine all of your friends dying! Your house gets destroyed and your parents might be dead. You'll never know how it feels because...because...agh!" You watched Gabi as she spat out her venomous words. You gave a small laugh, the kind used when someone is scornful, but Falco couldn't find a single trace of hatred in it.

"I know exactly how you feel. Everything that you just said happened to me 9 years ago. And I think it's even more ironic that your cousin was the cause of it." Gabi's gaze fell on you. Her mouth hanging open like a fish out of water, her brows furrowed. You continue, "I'm sure you've already been taught this, but in 845, the outer wall of our civilization fell, Wall Maria..."

\-------------------------

-845, The Day the Walls were Breached, Outer Shiganshina-

_"Mom, did you need any help with the baking?" You asked. You had just walked in to the house, back from exploring in the woods near your home. Your mother was standing at the kitchen counter, decorating a pie that she had just finished._

_"Actually... I just got finished with it. It won't be cool until dinner, so why don't we go on a trip to town? I should grab some groceries while I have the time," Your mother fluttered over to crack one of the windows open, letting some of the hot air from baking flow out of the house. She took long,_ _unpaced_ _strides over to her bedroom to grab her grocery basket._

_You run into your room to grab a book and meet your mother at the front door. She grabs your hand and you walk towards town, hands intertwined and swinging back and forth through the wind. As you walk, you pick up rocks and small twigs, stuffing them into your pockets to be painted and used for crafts once you got home._

_"Ah, maybe I should stop by Carla's and ask if they need any groceries...it wouldn't be too much trouble," You mother swiftly stopped and changed her course. "We'll be taking a shortcut Squirt, follow me!" Your mother marched off,_ _dragging you along with her. The two of you took a swift left rather than your normal right and off you were._

_You didn't have any memory of this 'Carla,' but she seemed to be close enough with your mother. After walking for around 20 minutes you arrived at a village. It was odd for you to see so many houses so close together, as your closest neighbors were a 15 minute walk away._

_You stopped in front of a house. From the outside it looked cozy, like it was well lived in. You recognized the house as the village doctor's. The Yeager's was it? Your father and Dr. Yeager were somewhat familiar, but this was the first time you had ever heard of 'Carla.' You didn't really like Dr. Yeager, he always threw you off, so you'd made a point to stay in your room when he'd stop by to visit with your parents_.

_"Stay here, alright Squirt? I'll be back in a jiffy." Your mother sent a smile your way and made her way around to the back of the house. You heard a small 'hi' and 'hello' before sitting down on the step in front of the front door. You pulled out your book and picked up where you had left off the day before._

_You had only been sitting on the door step for maybe 2 minutes before you were knocked off. The door had been opened and whoever did it was too much of a blockhead to notice someone was sitting on the other side._

_"I don't know what you're talking about! It's not like I'll die- I'm tough!" You looked back to see some random kid boasting about something to a girl. Had he really not noticed that he knocked you over?_

_You got up and cleared your throat. "...You should be more careful. It's no use being tough if you don't use your eyes and pay attention to your surroundings," You picked up your book, beginning to make your way to the back so you could wait with your mother._

_The boy ran after you, attempting to grab your hand which you pulled away. "Hey! Wait! I'm Eren, what's your name? You sound pretty smart, you should join the Survey Corps with me! They'll need smart people if we're ever..." You looked at him with a deadpan expression, his voice droning on in the background, then at your hand which he had managed to take hold of. You tried to make eye contact with the girl behind him, silently asking for help, but she was too focused on where your hand was connected with the boy's._

_You sighed, annoyed at her apparent uselessness. "That's...nice? I don't really know you Eren, but you should drink more water. You have sweaty hands and that'll make you get dehydrated quicker." You pulled you hand away, ignoring Eren's small comment of, "Huh? Really? I never thought of that...' and looked at the girl for a second time. "Does she not like to talk?" You asked Eren._

_He turned his head around to see who you were looking at, as if the girl wasn't the only person there beside the two of you. "Oh, Mikasa? She lives with my family...she talks, but she's better at beating up bullies," Eren followed his words by kicking the air next to you, far too close to your side than you'd like._

_"Well, Eren and Mikasa, it was...cool to meet you. Um...tell Dr. Yeager I said hi?" You slowly backed away, hoping that the boy wouldn't notice. Your hope wasn't enough because Eren walked a few steps closer. Mikasa trailed behind him, literally breathing on his shoulder._

_For the first time, you heard the girl speak. "Your dad's a huge titan fanatic right?" She said it in an almost accusatory tone, as if you were friends with the titans. Mikasa looked you in the eyes, her gaze sharp, and you decided right then and there that you liked her._ _She seemed strong, with an even stronger sense of will. She looked like the epitome of reliable._

_"Yeah, my dad studies titans. He's on a trip right now outside the walls...he should be coming back tonight," Eren's eyes widened. He ran closer to you, his face almost touching yours._

_"No way! Really? What are titans like? I'll need to know if I'm going to kill one some day!" He was yelling in your face and you didn't really like it. You'd never met someone this intense before and at the time, you wished he'd just shut up and leave you alone._

_Growing increasingly annoyed, you came up with the stupidest, most stereotypical excuse ever. 'If he falls for this, he'll only make it to the Survey Corps to be used as titan food,' you thought. "Actually, I think I hear my mom calling for me. I should just...go now,"_

_You never got to hear Eren's response, as your mother had just walked into the front yard. "Well, let's get going Squirt. They don't need anything, so we'll just pick up our stuff-" Your mother paused upon seeing Eren looking like he'd just finished screaming at your face, which he just had._

_"Eren, Mikasa! It's nice to see you two. Where's the little blonde that normally follows you guys around?" You had no idea who the 'little blonde' was, and you certainly didn't care. You stalked off, leaving your mother to talk to Mikasa and her keeper._

_Your mother caught up with you after a little bit. She grabbed your hand and you two made your way over to the usual grocers market you would go to. It had taken a bit longer due to the detour, but you had made it nonetheless. You'd been watching your mom dart around the market for half an hour before you gotten bored and wanted to get home to have a slice of pie._

_You walked away, leaving your mother to converse with the fruits dealer and sat down, back against Wall Maria, reading your book. A while later, your mother made her way over to you, basket in hand and sat down next to you. She rested her head on your shoulder and read your book with you._

_Two chapters later, you felt her shift her body so that she was leaning farther down on you, head laying on your skirt with her hair splaying across your lap. You sent her a small smile before turning back to your book._

_The sun was gazing down on you two, a perfect day. You were almost scared when you heard her voice, it's soft edges somehow sharply cutting through the comfortable silence. "Y'know, I appreciate your company Squirt. Your father works so much that without you, I'd be the loneliest woman in the world,"_

_You set your book down before threading a hand through your mother's hair. "I like your company too, Ma. Even when I get older I'll always make time for us to spend together," She smiled at that, content with what you'd told her. You picked up your book and flipped back to the chapter you were on earlier._

_You hadn't even noticed what happened until you heard the first scream. It was blood curdling, sounding straight from the gates of hell. And then, it happened._

_The wall trembled behind you and you looked up. From your angle of sight, everything looked the same except for a large plume of steam rising above the wall. You felt the wall shake a second time before an ear splitting crash tore your mind in half._

_Your mother. Was she okay? You were sitting next to walls and she was laying down and you couldn't feel her body anymore and...You angled your head so that you were staring directly in front of you. Your beautiful, kind, glowing mother was sent flying. Her body folding in on itself, limp like a rag doll. Her body slammed against the ground with a sharp 'crunch' and you saw thin spray of blood. Her body lay on the ground, nearly in the middle of the plaza, slowly leaking blood. You noticed that her shoulders looked flat, as if they went straight across._

_'No. No way...' You looked down and saw_ _**it** _ _. Your mother's head was still in your lap and the section of wall that her body was in front of had just gotten kicked in. After the initial shock passed, you realized what had happened. She was decapitated by the force of the debris. Body sent flying, head still intact, resting on your skirt._

_You couldn't even bring yourself to scream. You just got up and walked towards the inner wall, ignoring the soft 'thud' and slight 'crack' that her head made when it fell to the ground. That was when you felt another earth shaking rumble._

_You felt your bones clatter against each other. Looking over to your side you saw another Titan. This one was blonde, with strange plating along it's body. It started running, bounding towards the inner wall. You stopped walking to watch the phenomenon, feeling a single tear run down your face, the one time you cried that day. The inner wall was kicked in less than a second later._

_Your feet moved on their own. You could feel warm blood oozing down your right leg, the leg that was on the same side as your mother. You were aware that it was possibly fractured and that you most likely had some small rocks embedded in it, but you kept sprinting. You knew that it was only a matter of time before more titans would flood in. You also knew that if titans had broken into the wall, that your father was most likely dead._

_As you were running, you tripped over some kid. He was mousy with blonde hair, clutching a book to his chest like it was a godsend. You grabbed him by his forearm and dragged him over to where the rest of the crowd was heading. It looked like there were rescue boats in the distance and you knew the two of you had to get there quickly to ensure a spot._

_The boy finally picked up his feet and caught up to you for a split second. His eyes widened upon seeing how fast you were despite your injury and he lost his footing again. You looked back at him, annoyed at how much he was slowing you down, but you couldn't find it in you to leave him._

_"Agh, screw it," You ignored the boy's small 'huh?' and turned around. You grabbed him from under his arms and threw him over your shoulder. He was surprisingly light, but you still needed to adjust to his new weight._

_Once you had gotten used to him, you took off again, slightly faster now that you didn't have to drag him behind you. You were surprised at the lack of resistance that he gave you, but decided to not question it._

_Once you got to the docks, you set him down. The two of you had gotten to the boats faulty quickly, but still had to wait in line._

_The boy's eyes never stayed still, always shifting around as if he was suspicious of someone was watching him. He'd been doing this for almost an hour before his eyes stood still._

_"I...see my grandfather. Did you want to come with or do you have someone? We can get some treatment for your leg too,"_ _His voice was just as his appearance was, small and meek. He barely made eye contact with you while he was speaking, as if you were going to hit him._

_Your answer came almost immediately, "I have someone that I'm waiting for, so don't worry about me," The boy's gaze flickered to your leg before your words tumbled out yet again, "My leg isn't hurt that badly. Go see your grandpa," You hadn't even processed all of what you said before the boy nodded at you._

_"Thank you...so much. I probably would've died if you hadn't helped me. My name is Armin," He grabbed your hand and gave it a wimpy shake before he walked over to where you assumed his grandfather was, ratty book still in hand even after everything._

_You ignored that fact that him giving you his name was useless, as the odds of you ever meeting again were slim. You were more focused on what you were supposed to do now._

_'_ _Where...do I go? Why am I here?' Your thoughts were plagued with these questions as you mindlessly sat down on the boat until you were told to get off. You sat down on the ground in Trost and didn't get up for nearly two days. A woman asked you if you had any family, to which you responded with resounding silence. She tutted and lead you over to a hay cart which was loaded with other children._

_You were alone from that day on. Living in an orphanage with countless other_ _Shiganshina_ _refugees. You realized that you had no motivation in life, a monumental realization for a 10 year old. You were alone in this never-ending, despair filled galaxy. You didn't have anything to live for besides being able to possibly see a world free from titans. It was your 11th birthday when you decided that you'd join the Survey Corps. Unable to sleep that night, tossing and turning from your brain's unrest._

_You now knew how it felt to have a passion. It was all that was keeping your heart pumping blood, keeping your brain from losing it's spark. Your one wish to live in a world where you weren't caged in, only seeing past the walls in your dreams. It was all that you had, so what better way to honor it than dying for it? You knew that if the opportunity was truly lost, that you'd die from sorrow anyway, so what was there to lose other than your life?_

_You had lost everything that day, yet you remembered some moments as clear as day. Sometimes when you would sit down to read a book, you could still feel the weight of your mother's head in your lap. It was comforting in a way, insurance that'd you'd never forget her. She was always around, haunting you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i couldnt do it yall. i couldnt. sasha is too pure to have a death like that and i couldnt write it, it broke my heart whenever i tried. but with that, please note that i will NOT be getting rid of some of the other canon deaths, so dont get too comfy.


	5. iv

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok! so we're officially on the same upload schedule as we are on my wattpad version. if any of you prefer reading on wattpad, its @whooruwrites
> 
> i hope all of you have/had an amazing day!

Your whole body shakes as the airship lands. You hadn't talked with Eren much on the trip home, your attention directed to debating with Zeke about his mindless decision to wear glasses he didn't need.

"It's not pointless!" Zeke's voice was strained. He was annoyed with having to explain his fashion choices to you. "It's an aesthetic. Like a...dark academia type thing." You rolled your eyes, still not understanding why he'd wear _panes of glass_ in front of his eyes by choice. 

"I just think it's dumb. Take what happened to Hange for example, they had to wear glasses in a warzone and now they're missing an eye." You stand and stretch, letting your bones pop. "Also, please never say 'dark academia' again. I just-no" You shivered, disliking the uneasiness that Zeke's cringey words brought unto you.

You glance down at the two kids next to you. "Come on. I'll help you get up," You reached your hands down, offering one to each of the kids. Gabi shouldered your arm away before standing on her own, while Falco raised his tied hands to grab onto yours. You looked down at Zeke before nudging him in the side of the leg with your foot.

"Oi," You nodded your head towards the back of the airship, Zeke's eyes following your movement "Yelena is back there with Levi and them. I'm taking the kids, so you'll be on your own for a while," Before Zeke can respond, you walk away with Gabi and Falco in front of you, leading them to where they'll be staying. 

It's maybe a 10 minute walk over to the holding building. It's peaceful once you learn to ignore Gabi's incessant comments of _'island devil'_ and _'untrustworthy whore.'_ You try not to laugh, as to you it's purely comical to see a 12 year old try to hurt your feelings. You sense Falco's discomfort at Gabi's words and lightly squeeze his shoulder as a sign of acknowledgement.

You lead them down flights and flights of stairs, eventually reaching the dungeons. It was dark, cold, and humid with a wet smell. Similar to how it smells outside after fresh rain. Falco was sweating despite the chilling air. Were you really going to leave him down here? 

"Miss, aren't you going to help us?" Falco's eyes were wide and you almost felt pity. You sighed before ushering the two children into their cell. You sat them down on the bench that was in the small room before kneeling in front of them.

"Falco...I want to help you, I really do. But I can't trust that you guys wouldn't escape, so this is what we'll have to do," Your tone was even, as you pulled out your pocket knife to cut their ropes. Gabi flinched and you sighed. "I need you to keep still. I'm not going to hurt you, I only pulled that stunt earlier so that you wouldn't put a few holes in my friends," 

Gabi rolled her eyes. "You're lucky I didn't fight back. Don't you know that they call me the Goddess of War back home? I took out an armored train with only a few hand grenades," she had a smug look on her face. You almost wanted to smile at her expression, had it not been such a morbid thing to be proud of.

"Yeah! It's totally amazing! I couldn't imagine a better life~ Becoming a child soldier for a government that doesn't even like you," Your tone was flat, not matching with the nature of your words. Gabi narrowed her eyes at you, her smirk slowly falling off her face as you continued. "It truly sounds as if you're living the dream Gabi, destined to live until you're younger than 30 with a premature and excruciatingly painful death,"

Gabi's eyes widened, "Are you disrespecting the honor of holding one of the Nine?"

"...Yes. I suppose I am. And besides, why even call them the 'Nine'? Doesn't Marley only have control of four of the Titans since last night?" You inquired, leaning down to pick up some scraps of rope.

"Fighting for the honor of Marley is one of the greatest things an Eldian could ever do! But I could never understand an island devil like you to understand," She looked proud of her words and this time, you actually felt a twinge of second-hand embarrassment.

You shake your head, "It's fascinating how brainwashed you've all been. If you for one second believe that you're any better than me or anyone on this island, then you're mistaken," Falco watched on, seeing a flame burst behind your eyes. He'd never noticed how bold your gaze could be. "The same blood that runs through your veins runs through the ones of Eren Yeager," You walked in front of Gabi and started cutting away her ropes. "And it's the same blood that'll let you inherit the Armored Titan. It's not wise to curse the very thing that you claim is your motivation to live." 

You stood up and brushed off your hands. You gather the scrapped rope in front of Gabi before shoving it in your pocket and walking off, leaving the girl to digest your words.

You paused, adding one last thing before you made your departure, "Also, for as much as you claim to hate us, you have some shitty insults. While you're in here try to think of some new ones. I'm sick of hearing the 'island devils' all the time," You walked out of the cell and closed the door, making sure that it was locked before leaving Falco behind and taking any shred of hope that he held.

You walked around the building's surrounding property, the large tree's and grassy open area bringing vivid memories of your days as a cadet. You could almost hear Ymir and Historia's laughs at an inside joke the three of you had shared, Connie and Sasha's small giggles upon watching Eren and Jean brawl for the nth time, even the sound of Armin's book pages turning. 

It was...strange to say the least. So much had changed, yet if you closed your eyes and sat down in the exact spot you were standing at, you could completely imagine the life you had lived before.  
  


\-------------------------

-First Day of Cadet Training-

_You had a smile pasted onto your face. 'Come on now, you've got this. No need to be nervous...'_

_Your smile temporarily dropped upon hearing a sharp thud and a small groan following after. Some kid had just gotten a headbutt, how unfortunate. You shook off your nerves and made yourself smile again, shifting your weight between your two feet. Leaning from left to right, left to right._

_You paused upon seeing that the sun was now blocked, a large silhouette blocking your view. You straightened your back and saluted, slamming your fist to your chest with enough force to knock the air out of your lungs. You wince, 'Holy shit that hurt, I'm never doing that again.'_

_The man cleared his throat before yelling in your face, "WHY'RE YOU HERE, TRASH?"_

_You wanted to widen your eyes in surprise, but you couldn't. You kept your back straight and your smile on your face. Your soft and marginally quieter voice reached the other cadet's ears, "To die outside of the walls, sir!"_

_Shadis leaned back a bit before winding up to yell for the second time, "At least you know that you'll be dying! You'll be perfect titan fodder." You kept your smile on your face, knowing that it was the only way for you to keep your words polite._

_"I'll do anything I can to be of use, sir. If being used as fodder means I die a death where I'm told it's helpful, I'll do it in stride," You ignored a small scoff from your left. You assumed it was from the same kid who got his brains rearranged._

_Shadis' eyes widened a bit before asking you one final question, "Where're you from? Who raised you to be like this? I'll have to ask for a draft from your area so I can get more idiots like you in the 105th," His tone was just as sharp as before, not letting up one bit._

_Your smile faltered, "I'm from Shiganshina District, sir! As for who raised me like this-not that I entirely understand what you mean by that- it was my mother! I'll have to warn you that it'll be awfully hard to ask a woman with no head to raise some children for your next class,"_

_Shadis merely glanced at you before walking away, not even acknowledging your last words. You sighed, 'That went well, I think. At least I didn't get my shit rocked in front of a bunch of other people.'_

\---

_"No way! Really? How tall do you think he was?" You cringed at how loud everyone was being. Were titans really that enthralling? You pocketed your bread and finished up your soup. You rested your head on your hand before listening to the kid across from you talk._

_"Eh, he wasn't_ **_that_ **_tall. His eyes just barely peeked over the wall. Nothing serious," You didn't know his name, just that he was also from Shiganshina. You could've sworn that you knew him, then you realized that brown hair was extremely common, so you brushed it off. It wasn't until a girl sat down next to him, her dark hair resting over her shoulders, that you realized who they were._

_'Huh. Who would've thought? I thought they had died,' You sighed. It wasn't that a big of a deal. From the way he was talking, it sounded like he was biting off way more than he could chew. 'As if he'll be able to kill all the titans. He couldn't even be bothered to wipe his hands off before he shook someone else's.' You looked down at the table, scratching away at the small grooves with your fingernail._

_"Hey! I know you!" You glanced up at the sound of a shrill voice. You looked around to see who it belonged to so you would remember to never talk to them. "You! You right there!" You rolled your eyes. 'Gee! How effective to yell that in a crowd of people,'_

_You were then pulled out of your thoughts at the feeling of a someone grabbing the hand that you were scratching the table with. 'Ugh, it's just as clammy as the last time.' You pulled your hand away and wiped it on your pants, a frown pulling at your lips._

_"Her, Armin? You know her?" You heard the girl talk. You didn't remember her name, but you did remember 'Armin.' You looked at the trio, who were staring at you. The crowd had all but dispersed, more people joining the mob, thanks to Armin's incessant yelling._

_"Yeah- um. Heeeey...it's uh, it's good to see you're alive? I don't um...I don't," You looked back down at the table. Your eyes widened as you focused back on the grime in between the cracks. 'AH! What the hell am I supposed to do? Go run and hug him? I don't know! Why don't we get taught this shit in school?'_

_Your panicking was interrupted by the brunette's voice, "I know you too! You were at my house the day the titans came," Your frown deepened, but before you could respond, a swarm of voices came from all directions around you._

_"Woah! You saw titans too?"_

_"You're really from Shiganshina? We thought you were joking!"_

_"That's wild! What were they like?"_

_"Is that how your mom got eaten?"_

_"Did you see any bodies?"_

_Your eyes widened at the barrage of questions. You were so taken aback that you didn't even notice two guys sliding into the seats next to you. One of them was a lanky with brown hair, while the other was a sturdy blonde._

_You stood up, getting annoyed by the lack of boundaries, "Of course I saw titans, almost everyone in Shiganshina had to see them," You checked your pocket to make sure your bread was still there. Duh, priorities. "And my mom didn't get eaten by a titan, she was killed when the wall got kicked in. We were sitting in front of it when it happened, so the rocks knocked her head off."_

_You ignored the small gasps and looked at the three kids across from you, "I'm glad to see that you guys are okay." They nodded at you and you left, pushing through the crowd so that you could get away from the table._

_'Damn, they're curious enough to ask about my mom getting eaten by a titan, but that can't move 5 inches so I can get through.' You were pissed and needed to take a breather._

_\---_

_"It's crazy isn't it? She was way more willing to run than give up her meal," You and two other boys were staring at some random girl run. You had just walked out of the cafeteria to hear the bald kid's words. You watched with him as she kept jogging, her ponytail bouncing with each step._

_You felt your bread in your pocket. You had initially saved it to eat as a midnight snack, but you looked at the girl again. The sweat dripping down her face, her mouth open as she huffed and puffed with each passing lap. Her arms listlessly swinging back and forth._

_"She's an eyesore," The bald kid and the guy with a long face looked over at you in surprise. The taller one laughed while Baldy just smirked._

_The tall guy spoke in between his laughs," Yeah. That's the perfect word to describe it...eyesore. Hmmm. Isn't that usually what you use for ugly people though?"_

_You looked over at him, "Eh. Usually, but I felt like it was the only word to capture this." He laughed again and this time Avatar joined in._

_"But I wouldn't be laughing if I were either of you," You pointed a finger at the tall one, "Didn't you get hit in front of everyone?" He frowned before sighing._

_"I didn't get hit! It was a headbutt, those are used as a sign of dominance, which means the commander was threatened by my presence." He plastered a weak smirk on his face, "I don't blame him, I understand that it could be scary for another dominant male to appear in his safe space." You cringe at his delusional thought process, while Baldy cackled again, wiping tears from his eyes._

_Baldy spoke up before you could insult him too, "You're pretty funny for someone who just told her mother's tragic death to sixty-some random kids. Maybe the trauma adds to it?" You gave him a shocked look, which slowly morphed into a smile._

_"Perhaps..." You hear a sharp 'thump' before looking out to see what it was. "Oh! I think she fell!" The two boys laughed again before you ran over to the girl. She was face down, her back rising and falling with each heaving breath. You could hear her huffing, see the sweat dripping down her neck._

_"Hey. Take this," You took your bread out of your pocket and threw it at her. It landed on her back with a 'thud' before she sat up. Her eyes widened upon seeing it fall on the ground and she picked it up, scarfing it down almost instantly._

_"Thank you so much!" She said. At least that's what you thought she said, as her face started to turn blue. Was she...choking? You panicked before running over to her, slapping her back before she coughed up a clump of bread._

_"Holy shit, are you okay?" She didn't even give you a response before she hugged you, kissing both your hands and then your cheeks. 'Oh...oh! Just like that huh? She doesn't even need to take a breather?'_

_"An angel! You're my angel! You gave me food and then you saved my life! You're too precious to be here!" Her eyes were sparkling with tears and they slowly ran down onto her flushed cheeks. You reached your hands to her face to wipe them away. You sigh, ignoring her incoherent babbling, as you truly think that she would've hacked up the bread eventually._

_You gave her a small smile before helping her stand up. She devoured the rest of the bread before you lead her to the showers. Before leaving, you looked back and waved to Baldy and Headbutt. They waved back, huge crescent moon grins appearing on their faces._

_\---_

_On your way out from walking Bread Chick to the showers, you saw a tall girl leaning against one of the building poles. She was lanky, all limbs, with freckles spilt across her face and down onto her neck. Next to her was a considerably shorter girl, eyes taking up nearly half of her face, blonde hair streaming down her back._

_"I was just about to give her some food, but you beat me to it! I wanted to let you know that what you did was really kind, so thank you for helping her when I couldn't!" The shorter girl's lips curved to a sweet smile. You simpered at her small voice._

_You snickered, "I don't deserve any thanks, it was no problem. And to be honest, I'm sure she'll be up for more food. Maybe when she's out of the shower you can give it to her?" You offered. You looked over at the tall girl who had slung her arm over_ _Blondie._

_She sighed, "Krista here is too sweet, don't you think?" You looked over at Krista, who's eyes had fallen down to her feet and had a growing flush. "She's always worrying about other people. Too caring for her own good."_

_Blondie weakly hit Freckles arm, "Ymir! You're embarrassing me!"_

_You looked back at Freckles. From the way her arm was positioned, her shirt was slipping down and you could see freckles trailing down her shoulder. Her hair was short, straight, and brown. She was somewhat plain in her looks, but seemed to make up for it with personality._

_You smiled, "As long as Krista knows how to care for herself first, I'm sure it's not a problem." You looked at Krista, "There's no use in helping people if you cant help yourself first,"_ _Krista gave you a small smile before shaking Freckles' arm off of her shoulder. "Ymir and I are going to wait here to give that girl more food. You're more than welcome to stay with us," Krista's eyes were open wide again, cesspools of blue water staring into you._

 _You waved your hand, "Ah, I'll have to pass. But I appreciate the invite, it was nice meeting you two." Krista nodded and Ymir simply blinked at you._ _You stalked off, making your way to the bunks as the two girls waited for Bread Chick to be done in the showers._

_Was this really the military? Nice kids who took care of each other? You looked at your feet, watching as twigs and small pebbles were getting kicked with each step you took._

_'Huh. Maybe_ _this isn't so bad. If I'm going to be titan fodder, I might as well enjoy it!'_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that was chapter four! im extremely tempted to make reader queer and have her hopelessly pine over ymir, but i decided to save that for my one of my next fics. so please enjoy the last few paragraphs of me trying to hide my blatant gayness for ymir. (my original draft of this chapter had 26? i think? sentences of me describing how amazing she was *even though you had just met her* which is...embarrassing to say the least)
> 
> also- im SO SORRY for comparing zeke's glasses to dark academia. when i looked it up, it showed glasses somewhat similar to his. i feel like there is definitely a better aesthetic for them, but those were the best results i came up with. tbh, i was physically repulsed while typing it, hence me projecting in the next paragraph


	6. v

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy (late for some of you) holidays everyone! sorry for the late update, with christmas, i was a bit crunched for time while writing this chapter

You look up, bored of the conversation at hand. Everyone from your small friend group is together, though it's not the happy reunion you expected. It's not even a reunion as the six you had already been together for months. The only one that had been missing was Eren.

"Then it's decided?" Armin's voice rings out through the room, falling on everyone's ears. Mikasa sucks in a sharp breath, her eyes widening. You look at her with a small frown, your gaze drowning in pity. You reach out to touch her arm and you're somewhat surprised when she leans into your touch rather than shaking it off.

You let out a small laugh when you see everyone's solemn faces. "It's not the end of the world is it? We all know we can depend on Eren. After all, he was the one that told us, we matter too much for him to do anything exceptionally brash." You look at Mikasa again, waiting until she make eye contact with you. "Eren won't die unless he proves that he can't be trusted. Think of it like this, for me to take his Titan, he'll have to pull another Liberio stunt times ten. Even then we'll still be focused on waiting until Historia gives birth and inherits Zeke's Titan," Mikasa gives you a small smile, causing your brain to practically explode. _'Hell yeah! I've been waiting for this one, turn it up!'_

Jean interrupts your inner monologue with a confused tone in his voice. "You're inheriting Eren's Titan? When the hell did we decide that?" 

Connie and Sasha look over at you, just realizing what you had said to Mikasa. "Yeah," Connie started. "Eren specifically said he didn't want any of us to take his Titan, if anything, I think he meant you most of all." Sasha nods, her head looking like it might fly off of her head of she went any faster.

You sigh, irritated that they don't listen to you at all. "I told all of you back when we were on the train. And I decided for my self, he doesn't control what I do. All of you are prodigies, beautiful minds that deserve to see the future. I'm just a girl who got lucky enough to place first the week before graduation, not particularly special."

Armin sighs, "It's obvious it should be me. I already have the Colossal, so it wouldn't take any time off of my life span." Mikasa hums in agreement, cueing small whispers of 'yeah' and 'That makes sense' 

You roll your eyes, annoyed with Armin's words. "Yeah, you take all three of those Titans Armin. Then when we need them the most, we can't use them without blowing up a whole city." Armin looks down, realizing that you were somewhat right. "I'll agree to you eating Eren once you can control your blast radius, deal? Until then, I'll be his successor."

Armin nods in agreement to your proposal, his hands curled up in fists. Everyone disperses, leaving the room until it's just you, basking in the tense air that was left behind from the conversation that had just occurred. You sigh and lean back in your chair. 'Why can't this shit just work itself out?'

\---

You breathe in the fresh air, appreciating the sweet smell that the nice weather brings. You assume that everyone has left to take care of the tasks that they had been assigned before your impromptu meeting.

"Hey Smiles, get over here." You look up at the sound Jean's voice. _'He got everything taken care of already? That was fast,'_

You walk over to Jean, meeting him halfway. The two of you start walking around the grounds together, "Where's Apeface?" Before Jean can answer, the two of you hear rapid footsteps and small laughs. Next thing you know, you feel a large weight on your back and hear loud cackles.

You start to tip backwards and almost fall before Jean runs behind you and catches you. At first you think it's Connie on your back, his trademark laugh playing in your ears, but when the person leans forward to rewrap their arms around your neck, you feel their chest pressing against you. You realize it's Sasha, the ends of her ponytail tickling the side of your face.

Jean sighs, Connie still giggling in the background. "He's on house arrest with Levi. They're taking him to the forest," Jean looks over at you to make sure that you and Sasha are still standing upright. "That's why I needed to get you, Levi wants you to go with him."

Your eyes widened. "Me? Awwww~ So he does like me. Every time I ask, it's always 'No, you idiot >:[ '" You scrunch up your face while doing a poor imitation of Levi. Jean sighs again before going behind you and prying Sasha off of your back.

Sasha jumps down and find in front of you, grabbing both of your hands. "He looked really annoyed, like, more than usual. So you should say whatever goodbyes you have to and then go see him," You smile at Sasha and squeeze her hands.

"Well then, if Sasha says it, it must be pretty serious." Your tone of voice is light and airy, contradicting the sullen look you usually sported. "I suppose I better take off, he won't wait for me long," You hug each of them, but not before making sure to slap the back of Connie's head, despite the fact that it hasn't been the same ever since he grew hair.

You run off before he can catch you, wondering who to say goodbye to next. You didn't know where Armin or Mikasa has taken off to and nobody had told you where Eren was going to be placed.

You frown. 'I don't want to just leave without talking to them...'. You look around, making sure that you've talked to everyone that you could. 

While you were looking around, your eyes stopped on a cart with two horses, Levi standing next to it with Zeke who's still tied up. You walk over to them, taking note of Levi's growing scowl. "Took you long enough. I was about to leave without you," He sounded irritated, so you just smiled and nodded. You notice that Zeke was staring at you, his eyes drilling a hole into you.

You noticed that it was just you three, no one else. "Are the others going to meet us there?" You pet one of the horses, distracting yourself from Zeke's gaze. 'God, look at me any harder and I might explode.'

Levi scoffs as if the answer was the most obvious thing in the world. "No shit Sherlock," You smile yet again, albeit a much smaller one. 

"I see you got around to reading some foreign books, huh? I heard that they're pretty interesting, I haven't got the chance to check any of them out. I wante-" You're interrupted by Zeke loudly clearing his throat.

He made eye contact with you, gaze sharp. If he wasn't such a puss, maybe he'd be scary. "I have some books that you'd probably like, I'll let you read them once we get to where ever we're stopping at. " He talks as if he hadn't just interrupted your conversation.

Levi looks at him, an intense glare forming on his face. "No one asked you to speak, Apeface." You giggle a bit behind your hand before getting in the front seat of the cart, expecting Levi to scoot in next to you. Instead he walks away to mount his own horse, leaving you on your own. You look at him, a small frown present. 

"Are you sure I should drive this thing by myself? Last time I did, I crashed it, remember?" You shiver, remembering all the cleaning you had to do to make up for it. Levi snorts, sporting a small smirk. He waves you off, leaving the one-sided conversation at that. You frown yet again, still nervous to steer the car on your own.

Levi sighs, "If you get too spazzy throughout the trip, I'll take over. Last thing we need is for you to crash with him as your passenger," You turn to face Levi, grateful that he was understanding.

"Awwww, you do care about me. What a softie! You know if you wanted to tell me you love me, then jus-" You're interrupted yet again, except this time it's Levi. He starts yelling over you, it's not even coherent. Just scattered 'Hey, hey, no' s falling out of his mouth. You look at him, a Cheshire grin making it's way onto your face.

You grab the reigns and get the horses moving, feeling a slight tug at the cart. "Gee, no need to get so embarrassed, Levi. I love you too~ You're my absolute best friend ever!" You laugh as Levi passes you, not acknowledging your words. He moves in front of the cart, leading you away from the compound and all of your friends.

 _'Ah, nothing like a crabby gremlin to kickstart my afternoon._ ' You think, following said gremlin away from civilization and towards practically endless woods. _'Well, into the wild we go.'_

\---------------------------------------

-852, 1 year with Eren-

_The moon is persistent tonight. No matter how many times you tried, you couldn't fall asleep. It's luminous beams gazing down on you, shining in brightly into your eyes. You huff in irritation. You know that you tucked in significantly early tonight, it's 9pm at the latest. You just felt so fatigued, needing to take a break from everyone else._

_You perk up slightly at the sound of a faint knocking on your door. You get out of bed and run over to the door, wondering who it could be. You smile at the very welcome sight of Eren._

_He leans down slightly, catching your lips in a quick kiss, before making his way over to your bed. You close your door and follow him with your eyes, watching as he sits on the edge of your bed. Eren looks at you, his head cocked slightly to the side, waiting for you to join him._

_You walk over and sit next to him on your bed, leaning your head onto his side. He reaches an arm around you and the two of you sit in silence. Neither of you know how long it's been before he reaches around you with both arms, pulling you onto his lap so that you're straddling him._

_Your faces are barely apart, foreheads touching, noses a hair away. You wrap your legs around his waist and your arms around his neck before he laughs. Eren falls back on the bed taking you down with him, a goofy smile spread across his face. Your face is set in the crook between his shoulder and neck, your lips leaving soft and hazy kisses in their wake._

_You finally speak, breaking the silence. "What are you doing here? Not that I mind, I just want to know what's running through that brain of yours," You lean up, now sitting on him and reach your hands out to his hair, running your fingers through it. Eren's smile slowly dissipates, causing the light-hearted mood to dissolve._

_Eren sighs and sits up, wrapping his arms around you. The two of you sit there, hugging each other in the moonlight. You feel a soft puff of air brush against the side of your head, Eren's lips ghosting the shell of your ear._

_His words are quiet, causing you to strain your hearing even in the silent room. "I have a secret to tell you, before I die."_

_\---_

_You haven't moved positions, still holding on to Eren as if he were a godsend and him hold you the same._

_Your voice is hushed when it finally rings out. "So, you can pretty much see the future. That's your secret?"_

_Eren looks down at you, eyes watery and green. Now when you think back on this moment, all you can think of is sea glass. A beautiful rock for beautiful eyes that pierce into your skin as the moon glares down onto you._

_You reach out and caress his face, your fingers brushing against his cheekbone. Eren's voice is sturdy, not wavering once. "I suppose that's the easiest way to explain it; I can only see what my successor allows, same as how I can show my dad my memories. He can see what I allow," You nod, soaking up this new information._

_Your fingers never stop stroking Eren's cheek, the moonlight reflecting off of him. It makes him look almost godly. You reach your face up to Eren's lips and speak once more,_

**_"Make me your successor. I'll give you everything,"_ **

_Eren's breath hitches, caught off guard by the look in your eyes. Full of love and adoration, causing him to feel almost lovesick._

_You angle your face down, pressing your noses together. Sea glass meets your gaze before you notice something is wrong. Eren's eyes are dull, glazed over. He's looking at you, but not at you. His breathing is considerably slower, as if he's in a trance._

_"Are you...okay?" Your voice is quiet, nervous that speaking too loud will scare Eren. You lean back, putting some distance between your faces._

_You nearly jump when he speaks, his voice coming out of nowhere. "What the hell were you doing?" His tone is accusatory, as if you've tried to hurt him. Eren unwraps his arms from you._

_"You think you can pull shit like that and then do this? You're selfish, just like the rest. If anything, you should've understood me the most." You're shocked, not understanding what had happened to him._

_You get off of his lap and sit down next to him, legs hanging off the edge of the bed. You reach for his hand but Eren pulls it away before you can even touch it. He gets up and walks over to the door of your room, not looking back at you. Before he leaves, he says one last thing,_

_"If you wanted me to die so badly, just say so. You know I'd do anything for you,"_

_You hear your bedroom door slam before sinking into your bed. 'What the hell?' You turn your attention to his last words, 'I don't want him to die. Did I ever hint at that?' You think back to previous conversations that the two of you have had and the closest thing you could think of was telling him to 'perish' when he was messing with you. Even though he had said that he'd do anything for you, you couldn't shake off the spite and hatred that laced his words._

_You shrugged and crawled to the head of your bed. 'I don't have to apologize for anything if I haven't done anything wrong. When he's done being a dick, then we can speak.' You decide. 'Women apologize for things way too much. I'm not letting him walk all over me,' Once your satisfied with your decision, you inched under your covers. 'Yeah...yeah. I'm...not apologizing.'_

_You start to doze off, even though your mind is restless. So you drift off into a dreamless, fitful sleep, the moon taunting you with it's fogged glow._


	7. vi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahaha *cue awkward dice roll* ya girl is back with a...wait for it...double upload! i couldnt sleep bc of how guilty i felt for making yall wait so long for the previous chapter, so here we are. um- excuse any grammatical mistakes, its 4am rn and i literally wrote this in...maybe 2 hours? which may sound long, but normally i spread my writing time across 1-2 days and then i edit on day 3.

"So...this is what you wanted me to read? How many books has he written?" You look at the front and back of the book that Zeke had given you. In the month that you've been in the forest, this is the third book that Zeke had given you and you had to admit that the first two weren't bad. You were a bit surprised. You hadn't expected Zeke of all people to like poetry, much less share it with you.

The early morning sun reflects in Zeke's glasses as he scratches his head, deep in thought. "He has...five books? At least I think it's five. Then he has a sixth work which is just a collection of random poems. He tries to say it's his debut book, but everyone else thinks otherwise," Zeke looks at his other books, a bored look on his face. "I only have his main five, but I've read all of them, so it's no skin off my back to let you borrow them."

You flip through the book, stopping on a poem called 'Transylvania'. Zeke leans over your shoulder, skimming through the poem. "Oh, this one? I don't know if you should read it. You might get offended," You look up at Zeke, a small grimace appearing on his face. Zeke continues, "His older work was more...crude. I had you read 'Flower Boy' and 'Igor' first, just to get you used to him. Now that I think of it, those are the only two that I think you'll really like. So I can just take that book from you and then we ca-"

You shush him and start reading the poem. You start mumbling it out loud, Zeke shaking his head next to you. "...Goddamn I love...what the hell Zeke? Especially when they only suck...oh! Okay then...and wash dishes, cooking, cleaning...make me and the Wolf Gang Sandwitches." You look at Zeke, observing the embarrassed look on his face. "Woah, Apeface! I assumed you had a type but this? Ha! You like submissive women who suck-" 

You don't get to finish your sentence because Levi drowns out your voice with his loud stomps. "Hey, brat. Get your ass over here," You set Zeke's book down next to him and turn to face Levi. He looks pissed. 

You look at Zeke one last time before running off. "Pray for yourself Apeface. If he's talking to me like that, I don't even want to know what's going to happen to you." Before Zeke can give you a response, you jump up and dart off to join Levi.

You fall into step with him, following him closely as he leads you away from Zeke. "What's up Shortstack?"

"Don't call me that."

You let out a small laugh. "Okay then! What'd you need from me?" 

Levi hands you a letter, watching as you rip it open and skim over it. You barely read anything, just seeing the words 'important' and 'urgent' before folding the paper up and sticking it in your back pocket. Levi finally speaks, seeing that you were done reading. "They need you back inside the walls. You're the only one who isn't drunk off of that shitty wine, so I have to send you."

You decide to ignore his blatant lie, as the letter was addressed to you. Levi walks away, leaving you to try to pace your odd steps to match his. "Don't get too upset over it, aren't you glad that I don't have a taste for red wine? If I did, your bestie would be mumbling nonsense." You pause when you hear Levi mumble 'You're not my bestfriend' but decide to ignore him. "Mari is pretty nice to chat with when she's not stumbling all over the place," You stop walking and rest your hand on Levi's shoulder. "I'm sure it's no big deal, most likely Hange wanting to check in with how everything is going and maybe update us on some news; you know how they are,"

Levi simply grunts in response before shrugging your hand off of him. He walks off, leaving you to stand on your own. You jog after him, for someone who's so short, he can sure walk fast. Levi stops in front of your horse before turning to face you.

You give him a wide grin before sticking your hand out, waiting for him to do the same. Eventually he does, but not before muttering a small 'dirty brat, you're going to taint me' He gives you a firm shake and walks off. You watch him make his way towards Zeke, presumably to chastise him.

You turn to your horse and see that Levi must've taken care of your saddle for you. "Well Jeanbo, we better get going now." You mount your horse and get situated. Before you leave, you pull out your letter from Hange, reading the whole thing for the first time.

\---

_vHello!_

_I hope that this has reached you well. I don't want to freak you out or anything, but those two kids escaped. Not that big of a deal, because they're kids, but you know. They say it's an urgent security breach, yadda, yadda, yadda. Usually my letters aren't this friendly but I've got to keep it a bit light-hearted to cushion the blow from all that's happened since you and Levi have been gone._

_Now to the important stuff! For starters, Zackley has been assassinated. Right now, it looks like it was coordinated by the Yeagerists, Eren and Zeke's followers. Eren has also escaped, using his new Titan power. Floch has been exposed as a leading Yeagerist, forcing us to screen through the members of not only the Survey Corps, but also the Military Police and Garrison Regiment. Because of that, we need all hands on deck. Levi needs to stay with Zeke, so you're the best person for us to choose. When you want to, you can be pretty intimidating, so we need you to put that pretty scowl to use and petrify some people for us._

_We're meeting at Niccolo's restaurant, you know the place (if you don't please find it, otherwise you're SOL), to talk to some POWs. Be there and be square at 2pm. If only it were under better circumstances, but I look forward to seeing you!_

_Yours truly, Hange Zöe_

\---

You sigh and fold up the letter, sticking it back in your pocket. _'You're not making this easy on me, Eren...What am I supposed to do now?'_

_\---------------------------------------_

-850, Night of 104th Training Corps graduation-

_You're giddy with excitement, barely believing your ears. You're brought back to Earth when Ymir harshly slaps you on the back, the noise sounding the through the crowd._

_She leans down towards you, "Get up there, dumbass. We don't have the time to be waiting for you to get your head on right,"_

_You run up to the front of the crowd. Who the hell would've thought that you would graduate first of your class? Maybe all that grueling ODM gear training with Jean finally paid off? It definitely sucked for the other cadets who had been consistently doing well, as the Training Corps didn't use accumulative grading, the placements getting decided by weekly performance._

_Ymir cheers loudly when you run up, causing you to blush a bit from embarrassment. You decide that her cheering wasn't nearly as humiliating as the wolf-whistle that she let out when Krista was called up._

_On the night of graduation, everyone celebrates. Drinks are passed in the mess hall, good food getting eaten by plenty of mouths. You eat most of your food, opting to give the leftovers to Sasha, much to her appreciation._

_You sit across from Krista and Ymir, watching as a sober Krista wrestles a drunken Ymir back into her seat. Ymir throws one of her arms around Krista, pulling the blonde under her chin. Ymir's freckled wrist tangles itself in Krista's hair as the brunette sobs, almost unintelligibly._

_"Krista! You're a goddess!" Ymir's words are slightly slurred as she caresses Krista's face, long fingers clumsily flailing around and almost poking out one of Krista's eyes. Ymir turns her attention to you, deciding that spectating wasn't enough interaction from you. "And...you! You're an angel, a frowning angel, but still just as pretty! Just like Sasha said that one night~ I'm so blessed, blessed to be in the presence of a goddess **and** a pissy angel!" _

_Krista chuckles before standing up behind Ymir. "I think it's time for you to tuck in, Ymir." Krista looks at you apologetically before sticking her hands under Ymir's arms and practically dragging the freckled girl out of the mess hall._

_You wave at them, watching as Ymir leans down in a sloppy attempt to kiss Krista, which Krista dodges and laughs off. Jean slides in the now open seat next to you, "Ugh, why won't they just get together already?"_

_Connie and Sasha follow after Jean, taking the spots across from you and Jean. You giggle before speaking, "Isn't it obvious? Reiner uses some weird power to keep them apart. He's waiting for the right time to swoop in and steal Krista," The three of them laugh before you all settle down._

_Connie reaches for the remains of Ymir's abandoned drink, downing it in one gulp. Jean dramatically sighs, barely able to open his mouth before Sasha and Connie groan in unison. Sasha covers her ears with her hands, shaking her head left and right as if that'll keep Jean quiet. "Shut up, Jean! We're tired of hearing about how angry you are aboutyour placement,"_

_Nodding in agreement is Connie, who grabs the leftovers of Krista's untouched drink as well. "Yeah, no one cares about your little inferiority complex with Eren. Just be glad that you'll be able to go to the Military Police like you wanted," Connie, now done with Krista's drink, reaches for yours. You nod in approval before he grabs it and offers a sip to Sasha. Sasha shakes her head before Connie chugs your drink, just like the last two. He wipes his mouth before continuing his previous thought. "Yeah I get it, it totally sucks that Marco can't join with you, but that's kinda his fault. Shadis told us from the beginning that it didn't matter about your track record because...?"_

_Jean's voice is flat and monotone, a deep frown apparent on his face. "...Because titans don't care about your progressive 'tastiness', just about who looks best at the moment."_

_You snort at his words, forgetting that you were graded according to what titans thought. Jean shoots you a sharp glare before resting his head on his hand. You look at him, feeling a bit guilty. "Think of it this way, Jean. Eren, Mikasa, and I are for sure going into the Survey Corps. That makes at least three spaces that Marco could potentially fill, so calm down." Jean looks up at you, his frown slowly dissolving._

_Sasha speaks up, deciding that she was down with the gloom and doom of the conversation. "Come on, everybody! We're graduating, so let's celebrate!"_

_Each of you give a weak cheer before Connie goes to grab more drinks. Sasha wanders off with him, the two of them blending in with all of bodies in the crowd. You pat Jean on the back. "Hey, don't worry about it, okay? Everything will be fine, so let's enjoy ourselves alright?"_

_Jean gives you a weak nod before Sasha and Connie come back, drinks in hand. Looks like the celebration was getting in full swing._

_\---_

_Everything smells like...blood. You look down onto the tops of the houses, looking for any sign that there are some survivors. You had gotten separated from your group after going after a titan. You spot a house that looks like it has people on it, small dots standing still on a rigid surface._

_"...bravely fell in the line of duty." You land on the roof top, stumbling slightly. You look up at the familiar voice and see Armin. He's crouched in the crook of two rooftops, tears flowing down his face. You run towards Armin, nearly bumping into Mikasa, who was standing near him._

_You mumble a small 'sorry' before grabbing Armin's face, checking for any scratches, You wipe his tears from his face and hug him, smashing his face into your shoulder. "Armin...you're alive. I thought all of you died,"_

_Armin's eyes widen before he wraps his arms around you, sobbing into your shoulder. "I-I- All of them! Th-the others...they're gone!" You hear rapid footsteps approaching you from behind. You turn your head to see Sasha, her eyes wide and brimmed with tears._

_You widen your arms and she comes running at you, sliding next to Armin, her face stuck in your other shoulder. You laugh a bit, despite the grim circumstances. "Ah, isn't this a bit nostalgic, Sasha? I think that you were acting like this the first nigh-" You can't finish your sentence before Sasha grabs your face, planting a slobbery kiss on your cheek, truly reminiscent of the first night you had met her._

_You try to decipher her words through her sniffles and small hiccups. "Armin. Ar-Armin said that you were all **dead**." Her voice cracks terribly on the last word and you try to give Sasha a small smile as she nuzzles her face back into your shoulder.  
_

_Jean walks behind you, placing a hand on one of your already occupied shoulders. "I see you're just as motherly as ever. Come on guys, you need to lay off so she can at least move." Armin slowly leans back, picking his head up. His eyes are still impossibly rimmed with red and bloodshot. Sasha reluctantly gets up, but only after Jean has to halfway pull her up._

_You look at Mikasa, her face is blank. You speak, voice quiet as you test the waters. "Armin said everyone was dead? He...saw it?" Mikasa simply nods before walking over to Armin._

_Her voice never wavers once, even as she tells him to get up, even as she tells everyone that she'll kill all the titans that are surrounding HQ._

_You barely hear Armin's voice when he says that Mikasa is using too much gas, you're already zipping over to her, straining your arms as you try to catch her from falling. As soon as you feel her body touching yours, you wrap your arms around her and lean back, cushioning the inevitable blow. You feel a bit bad, as you know that both of your arms are covered in Armin and Sasha's snot and tears, and Mikasa's hair is getting dragged through them._

_Once the two of you land, the air is knocked out of your lungs. You feel your vision start to fade, the edges of your eyesight going black. A dull pain is radiating through your ankle and you're too out of it to even try moving your leg. You realize that your whole body is froze after you try to lift your head and see where you are._

_You can tell a titan is nearby, feeling the tremors from it's footsteps run through your body. You open your eyes, see that Mikasa has crawled off of you and is looking at her hands in her lap, unmoving. 'So much for dying outside of the walls..."_

_You can't_ _tell how long has passed before you see Mikasa stand up, a new fire lit behind her eyes. When she uses her ODM gear, you see that she's moving choppily, nothing like her regularly delicate movements. Your eyesight is getting worse as you see small dots of color appear. First turquoise creeping from the bottom left, then a sharp magenta coming in from the top right. You sigh, feeling tired and just wanting to close your eyes and go to sleep._

_You feel more vibrations running through your body, these ones are stronger, more purposeful. You assume it's an Abnormal and while you'd love to be able to run away, Mikasa's l_ _eft you behind and you can't move on your own. 'My ankle is probably broken and I might be paralyzed...Wouldn't it just be better to die?' You feel your eyes roll towards the back of your head as you start to lose consciousness. 'I've- I think I've lived a life I can be proud of,'_

_As you finally doze off, the last thing you think of is your friends. Sasha, Ymir, Jean, Krista, and Connie, all getting along just for you. Your hoarse voice rings through the air, you want it to be the last thing you hear instead of the terrifying screams echoing in the distance. "H-ha. That's how you know I'm dying...wh-when they're willing to-" You never finish speaking, because that's when your eyes close and you feel all the air in your lungs rush out, presumably for the last time._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i know its super basic to have you graduate first, but i needed some type of reasoning for you to be, for lack of better words, relevant. the main cast is made up of the top 10 graduates + armin and ymir, but it makes sense for armin and ymir to be part of the main cast because they're relevant to the storyline. mikasa still has her crazy ackerman blood, so its not as though her character traits/achievements are completely diminished, she just doesnt graduate first. i wanted the order to stay the same (because i was too lazy to change it around) so i'll list it for yall to look at for reference:
> 
> 1\. you  
> 2\. mikasa  
> 3\. reiner  
> 4\. bertholdt  
> 5\. annie  
> 6\. eren  
> 7\. jean  
> 8\. connie  
> 9\. sasha  
> 10\. krista
> 
> -um please dont hate me i just deleted marco from the list and then moved everyone down by one


	8. vii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> instead of working on the story i already started, my ass decided to write a ymir x fem! reader. so if you're interested, feel free to check that out. i also have more coming soon so if you're ever wondering what's on the list, check my wattpad as that has all of my upcoming books listed

"But pineapple just... **doesn't** belong on pizza!" You sigh at Niccolo's ignorance. His face is scrunched up in disgust.

You try once more to get you point across. "Niccolo! How could you just say that?" He rolls his eyes at your dramatic tone. You frown before continuing your thought, "Pineapple adds a tinge of sweetness. If it's done right, it's amazing~ Y'know, this one restaurant in Marley had pretty good pineapple pizza."

"I don't have time for this. Why are you even here again?"

You scoff and press a hand to your chest. "Can't I visit a dear friend? I wanted to stop by, blow off some steam instead of going to work. No biggie," You knew it wouldn't be a good idea to freak him out and tell him the Survey Corps was coming to talk to his employees. What he didn't know couldn't hurt him, right?

Niccolo rolls his eyes yet again before a sharp knock rings through the building. He gives you a look that says _'stay here'_ , so you decide to listen and make yourself comfy. His kitchen is fairly large, long counters lining almost every inch of wall space, spare the doorway. You hop up and rest on the counter behind you, immediately feeling the back of your head bump a sharp corner.

You look back to see what it was and a large grin appears on your face, a cabinet filled with _expensive wine!_ You know that technically you're on duty, but it wouldn't hurt to drink just a little bit, right? It's still that gross red, but anything will do right now. _'Who could blame me? My boyfriend is a war criminal and he just escaped confinement, anyone would want a drink in my situation.'_

You grab a bottle before sneaking out of the kitchen and towards the entrance. The Survey Corps had to get here soon, so you could just answer the door before Niccolo and split up the wine with your Sasha and Connie, maybe you'd include Jean as long as he wouldn't snitch.

You hear Niccolo talking with someone, but the voice isn't very familiar, so you assume it's an employee coming in to prep for opening time. You hear footsteps leading away from the entry room and into the dining area. You're pretty sure that there's a hallway made for the servers that connects the dining room and kitchen, so you don't need to worry about him catching you with the wine.

Once you're sure that the entry way is clear, you run over and sit at behind the reservation counter. You set the wine next to you on the small bench and start to flip through the reservation book, reading the names. You see _Braus Family_ written in to eat at 2:15pm and your eyes widen, a grin appearing on your face. _'Alright Niccolo! You're meeting the parents.'_ Now it explains everything, why Niccolo wanted you to stay in the kitchen and why he was even open this early.

You run to the kitchen, leaving your wine behind the booth. "Niccoloooo~ Who are your little guests, hm? Are they...mayhaps...your girlfriend's family?" Niccolo turns towards you, a deep scowl on his face.

He walks over to you, "You better stay quiet. She's not my girlfriend, they've just never been here before so I wanted to give them an enjoyable experience." You roll your eyes, not believing a word he had said.

You walk over to the sink next to Niccolo, he's washing and peeling vegetables, so you make your self comfortable on the counter next to him. "I'll stay in here, but no promises that I won't make fun of you."

Niccolo walks over to his frying pan and you hop down from the counter, following him. He sighs, "Ok, how about this? You can go down in the wine cellar and take inventory," You're about to start complaining before Niccolo cuts you off. "Hush. There should be...425 bottles of wine, so go through each rack and count. You can come up when you're done and I'll treat you to a free meal."

You sigh, "Fine. But I want free desert too, it's the least you could do for free labor." Niccolo waves you off before pointing to the door and giving you vague directions to the wine cellar.

You stalk off, making your way down a dark staircase. _'Ooooo~ Spooky,'_ You think that you see a spider, but you decide to get to work before you scare yourself. _'When everyone else shows up, I'll probably be able to hear them...'_ You decide that you'll work for a while then check to see if the rest of the Survey Corps had showed up.

\---

You've been in the cellar for maybe 10 minutes before you hear rushed footsteps clamoring down into the cellar. You look behind you to see Niccolo, face red and the bottle of wine in his hand.

"Did you bring this out of the kitchen?"

You look at him, opting to wear a frown on your face, hopefully scaring him into leaving you alone. It doesn't work as Niccolo still keeps his eyes on you, expecting an answer. You sigh as he doesn't give up, irritated that he wasn't taking you seriously. "Fine, fine. I did, but it was with good intentions! I promise that I would've shared and there are what? At least 424 more bottles in here,"

Niccolo brushes past you, setting the wine on a counter behind you. "There are no _'good intentions'_ with what you did. I was left to deal with your ruffian friends who can't keep their hands on their own belongings." He sighs, obviously irritated with your actions.

You try to amend the situation with a poor joke. Something along the lines of 'Well, aren't you glad that you found out before I could lie on the inventory sheets?' Niccolo seemed less than amused, only pointing to the door out of the cellar.

"They're waiting for you in one of the MP meeting rooms. Second door on the left," His tone is flat and monotonous, waiting for you to leave.

You solemnly nodded and walked away. You stop in front of the first door, hearing loud laughs and cheers from the Braus family. You smile a bit at that, remembering the times that you and your mother would eat out.

More often than not, she would silently cry while eating. She always said that the food was so good that she was drooling out of her eyes. You just thought that it was gross but your mom was a strange woman in general, so at the time you wouldn't think much of it. Now you know that she was crying over her family, who were far from the walls.

Your thoughts are interrupted at the sound of a door opening. You look up and see Hange, who's beckoning you to hurry up and walk over. As soon as your in the room, it falls silent, emphasizing the noises from next door. You give a small wave before Hange introduces you to everyone, as if you didn't already know them.

You make your way over to your friends, engaging in small talk while waiting for Niccolo to be available for questioning. Once you're about to complain about him taking so long, you hear a loud crash and screams from the next room over.

Hange sends Armin out to check on the situation. Armin lets out a gasp so loud you almost thought that someone had been killed.

"Everyone, quick! It's getting serious!"

You all run over to the dining room. You can't help but do a double take to make sure you're not hallucinating. There stood Niccolo, a girl crumpled up on the ground in front of him and a boy limply slung under his arm.

Niccolo passes a chopping knife that he had in his hand to Mr. Braus. "Kill her, or I will." Niccolo starts. "She's a Warrior cadet. I can promise you that she won't hesitate to kill us when she gets the chance,"

You look at the girl's face, recognizing that it's Gabi. After your realization, you look at the boy under Niccolo's arm. Falco.

Connie steals the words from your mouth as he makes the same observations. "Hey! It's those brats from the airship!"

Sasha follows Connie's lead, airing her own irritation. "Yeah," She turns to look at you pointing at Gabi, her face contorted in anger. "It's that bitch who tried to shoot you!"

You try not to look shocked at her words, surprised that she'd call a child a 'bitch' but you decide that it's justified with Gabi's past actions.

"She tried to shoot _you,_ Sasha. Not me,"

During the futile conversation, Jean attempts to walk towards Niccolo, presumably to retrieve Falco. It's deemed a failure, as Niccolo retracts his hand from Mr. Braus and holds the knife to Falco's neck. "Move any closer and I'll kill the boy. Then the girl will be next,"

Jean cautiously steps back, shocked at Niccolo's outburst.

Hange speaks slowly, not wanting to aggravate the blonde any worse. "Niccolo, what happened?"

Niccolo sighs, still holding the knife to Falco's neck. He explains how the kids told him how they got to Paradis, Gabi telling him to wait until the military showed up, and how she grabbed the knife from his apron when she found out the Survey Corps was here, saying _'Please let me do this. I failed last time, but I promise I won't disappoint if you give me another chance! Please, I have to!'_

Gabi looked at you, face dripping blood and her nose looking a bit crooked. She was silently calling for help and you couldn't help but pity her. _'God, their lives are so fucked up. I can barely be mad her,'_

Mr. Braus' voice rings through the room, effectively silencing everyone. "Niccolo, give me the knife." Niccolo does so slowly, making sure that he doesn't cut himself when passing the blade. 

Gabi flinches, expecting to be stabbed, never to see her family again. Instead, Mr. Braus passes the knife to his wife and speaks again. "Y'know, I raised my children to be hunters. Sasha learned to use a crossbow, livin' off the land. But I knew we couldn't always live like that, so I sent her to the military and out of the forest."

He looks as his daughter, a gaze full of adoration and love. "But now she shoots people instead, almost gettin' shot herself just a month ago. And now I realize, the world is a big ole forest."

Mrs. Braus walks over to Niccolo and takes an injured Falco into her arms. Mr. Braus still speaks in the background, his words the main attraction. "The hatred in the world is us adult's responsibility. We need to lift it off of the young ones and let them roam free, away from these woods."

\---

Jean and Connie waste no time in restraining Niccolo, making sure that the chopping knife that Mrs. Braus took was the only weapon he had. You make your way over to Gabi with Armin and Mikasa, checking on her nose.

Mikasa grabs her chin, tilting it up and side to side. "Well, it's not broken. It might bruise a bit, but I doubt it." She stands up, leading Gabi to Armin. "Armin and I will take her to the next room. It might be good to go check on the other kid,"

Armin walks off to the meeting room, Gabi and Mikasa in tow. You look towards Falco, seeing that he had a large cut on the side of his head. You walk over to Hange, who's inspecting him.

"Do you think he'll be okay?" 

Hange looks up at, letting out a small hum. "I'm sure he'll be fine; maybe a bit of a concussion, but that can't be helped at this point." You crouch down to be the same level as Hange, using your hand to push back Falco's hair. _'Should I get some alcohol? Wouldn't want this to get infected_ _...'_

Your worries are interrupted by Niccolo who previously couldn't stop babbling apologies to Sasha. It seems as though she forgave him, she was never one to really hold a grudge. Except for Gabi, but you suppose that Niccolo hadn't tried to kill Sasha.

"Rinse his mouth out, but it might be too late."

Hange looks at Niccolo slowly, "Rinse his... _mouth_? _"_ He looks down, ashamed. "Niccolo, what was in that wine?"

Hange nods on for him to speak. Niccolo looks up, a large frown on his face. 

" **I think...I think it was Zeke's spinal fluid,** "

\---------------------------------------  
  


-852, 1 Week After the Outburst-

_"Have you checked in all of your boxes? I'm not really sure...Sorry about that," Armin had just asked you if you remembered where his box of seashells had gone. Ever since the move into the new boarding building, he said he couldn't find them. He frowned, obviously displeased with your answer. You sigh, not understanding why he was having an attitude with you when he was the one who lost his precious seashells. "Well how about this? We can split up and look for them! If I find them, I'll just leave them in your room,"_

_Armin simply nods and walks off, telling you to check the storage room while he looks in his bedroom again. 'What got his panties in a twist today?' You walk down several hallways looking for the room, finding it after a few wrong turns. You walk inside, immediately walking over to the small circle window and propping it open. Dust particles fly up with a small gust of wind, creating a haze in the room. You're confused as to how there's already dust in the room, but decide that Levi had missed a room when he did his cleaning. "Odd...how unlike him," You mutter under your breath._

_You look around at the shelves, nostalgia coming at you in waves. You look at everything, seeing old trinkets and baubles, some from your cadet days. There's a small doll, most likely one that Kaya had given Sasha, you can tell from the brown eyes and signature ponytail. Your eyes catch a light green scarf lying on one of the shelves and cringe. Jean had gotten it as a birthday present for Mikasa a few years back, saying that it could be a substitute for when she washes the one that Eren had given her. She simply took it and gave it back to him on Christmas, still brand new. Jean wasn't even trying to be rude, he just wanted her to wash her other scarf before she got sick._

_You smile a bit when you see a small, pink box. It has a smiling sun in the corner and three stick figures painted on it. It's Armin's illusive seashells, in the exact box that he had described to you. You didn't quite believe him when he said it looked like it was decorated by a school-kid, but you definitely did now. He must've did it on one of the nights that you and Sasha had convinced him to get drunk and paint, Sasha's words now seeming like a cruel joke after seeing Armin's 'art'._

_"_ Come on, Armin! Haven't you ever heard that the best things happen when you're tipsy?"

_You chuckle at the memory, tucking the box under your arm. You close the window and leave the storage room, making sure to keep the door cracked open so some of the dust could air out._

_\---_

_You try to make your way to Armin's room, but you always find yourself getting lost on this side of the living quarters. "It should be...right here?" This is the fourth door that you've decided on and you had yet to be correct. Each time you were either welcomed with an empty bedroom or a room full of unpacked boxes. You whip open the door that you're standing in front of to see Connie leaned against his headboard, looking up to see who had barged into his room._

_"Uh...hey? You were pretty aggressive when you opened that door right then," He looks like he's reading a book, but you remember that it's Connie, so that conclusion isn't even logical._

_You let out an embarrassed sigh, wondering if telling Connie about your failure to locate Armin's room is the right decision. You know that he's your only hope, as you doubt that you'd be able to find the room anytime soon, let alone make your way back to your own. 'I really need to learn my way around this new building...this is getting old,'_

_"Yeah, can you tell me where Armin's room is? I have something of his and I want to drop it off soon." You show Connie the box of shells and he starts wheezing. Acting like this is the best entertainment he's seen in his life. You suppose that it'd be the first "funny" thing that's happened in a while, as it was getting pretty boring lately._

_You frown at Connie, waiting for him to finish his fit of laughter. He stops when he sees your face and starts cackling again. "Wait, you're being serious? That's Armin's? What the fuck! Did he make that?" You hush him, trying to explain that you want to get this dropped off soon, but he doesn't let you speak, howling again. 'Yeah, Armin is a terrible artist, but no need to lose your shit over it...'_

_"Is that_ _Eren and Mikasa? That one kinda looks like_ _Armi-_ _"_

_Starting to get annoyed, as it wasn't even that funny, you cut him off. "Are you gonna help me or not?" He nods, holding his stomach and pointing to his door. You assume he's pointing to the room across from his and mutter a small 'thanks' before leaving. You make sure to leave his room door open so that he'll have to get up and close it. You know its petty, but it's what he deserves._

_You hear Connie talking through his fit and walk back to his door to see what he was saying. His words are cut out between small wheezes and you wait until he can coherently speak. "He's..." wheeze. "He's not in his room right now. He was digging around and then he left, hasn't come back yet." You nod and close the door this time. A small thank you for telling you about Armin's absence._

_'Hopefully he'll be in a better mood now that I've found them.' Truth be told, you were glad he wasn't there so you wouldn't have to deal with his attitude. You do a 180 and open Armin's door, not bothering to knock. You observe his room, seeing that his desk doesn't have a chair and that his dresser drawers are spewed across his floor. His mattress is leaned against the wall, his bed pulled out from the corner of his room._

_You're shocked at how haywire his room is. "Holy shit, Armin...What the hell?" You say under your breath. Walking over to his desk, you set the box down gently. You have to clear a small space amongst the books and pens that lay sprawled across the surface._

_As you're about to walk out the door and leave, Armin walks in. He's about to speak, presumably to greet you, but he notices his shells first and walks over and grabs the box. "Hey, you found them? Thanks," You nod and Armin looks at the state of his room, embarrassed. "Sorry about the mess...I'll have to clean it up later."_

_Armin starts to walk out of his room and you follow him. You almost run into his back when he suddenly stops and starts speaking to someone. "Sorry about that, Eren. We were able to find them, sorry for bugging you." You pause, trying to act like you're not still pissed._

_Eren hadn't made any effort to apologize since his outburst and you obviously had nothing to apologize for. 'He better not even try. I swear if he does-'_

_"Hey." You feel your insides jump and you cringe. Your brain is going 80 miles a minute and you blank. Eren waves a hand in front of your face, trying to get your attention. You glare at him and he just stares back. "We need to talk,"_

_You look down at the ground, irritated that he was stating the obvious. "Well, no shit. What made you change your mind after a week?" You start to make your way back to your room and Eren trails behind you. You were hoping that he'd take a hint and talk to you later, but c'est la vie. You can hear his footsteps falling after yours do, heavier and rumbling you to the bone._

_\---_

_Once you get to your room (somehow without getting lost, thank the gods) you walk in and perch yourself on the edge of your bed, leaving the door open for Eren. He closes it behind him and takes a seat at your desk, turning the chair to face you. He folds his hands together and sighs,_

_"I'm sorry,"_

_You're extremely tempted to laugh, but decide against it when you realize how rude it is. 'Ah, fuck it. He started it,' You know it's incredibly immature, but who was going to scold you? Eren? He gave you the silent treatment for a week, talk about immature. You let out a scoff of disbelief. "...That's it? You haven't talked to me in a week and all I get is sorry?"_

_"I needed time to think, to be careful with my words." He starts. "I shouldn't have freaked out on you like that but...I see a lot." His voice cracks when he speaks again, "I see so much and sometimes I don't even know what it is- One day I'll see an empty field and the next I might see my own body,"_

_"You can change it though, right? If you see it, you can change it." You didn't know he had seen his own **corpse**. 'What else has he seen?'_

_Eren looks up at you and you see tears in his eyes. His voice is scratchy, but you stay seated on your bed. If he wanted you to touch him, he would've moved next to you. "T_ _he future is- it's fucked up. I can't let you live like that, like this."_

_You look at him and you want nothing more than to get up and dry his tears. To go over and wipe them from his face. "So what now, you're just going to euthanize me? Or are you expecting me to live a subtle life inside the walls?" Your words are slow, voice quiet. "Weren't you the one that said we were living like cattle?" His eyes are still wet and a grim look is on his face. "The world is endless and you want me to stay here?"_

_Eren's eyes are focused, but not on you. He's staring at the corner of your room and when you turn to see what he was looking at, there's nothing there except for your closet. He speaks, his voice low. "I don't want that for you either, but this world...In my father's memories there was something that everyone in the internment zone would say. 'If we were never born, we wouldn't have to live like this,' What if they're right?" He starts wringing his hands together, his left leg starting to jitter. "We wouldn't be cattle if we weren't alive to begin with and what if I could fix it?"_

_You look at him, shocked that Eren of all people was saying this. "You...want to fix it? Fix us?"_

_Eren nods, still focused on your closet door. "If I died, maybe I can stop everything. Maybe we wouldn't have to live like this anymore, all of you could be free."_

_You look down at your hands and clench them. "What about you, why should you die for us? You deserve to see it too, to see freedom. We have so much mor-"_

_He looks away from the corner of your room, finally putting his eyes on you. "I'm **tired**. For me, this is the last of the fight. The beginning of the end," Eren stands up from his chair, seating himself next to you on his bed. He reaches for one of your hands and intertwines it with his, resting them on his upper thigh. "If my death ends it all, then I give myself up,"_

_He looks over at you, an anguished smile on his face and you almost tear up at the sight. "I already told you. I'd do anything for you."_

\----

for those of you wondering, the term 'euthanasia' is used differently here than it is in the manga. in the manga, a better fitting word for that situation would be 'sterilization' they are making the people _sterile,_ taking away the ability to reproduce.

sterile; not able to produce children or young

euthanasia; the painless killing of a patient suffering from an incurable and painful disease or in an irreversible coma. The practice is illegal in most countries

_these are definitions from Google_

a/n: holy shit 4,117 words- maybe i should listen to childish gambino more often

(not including this or the euthanasia/sterile note)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i said i'd be back last friday and its about a week later but...i dont even have a plausible excuse. i just like to project my current life events into my writing, so my top notch skill of avoiding confrontation really came in handy these past few days. confrontation is icky and so is writing about it- which is why the 'apology' is barely an apology🙄  
> #erenyeagerisover2021


	9. -my creative process-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the original copy of the beginning of ch 9  
> rip to the wattpad readers who saw this when i posted and were confused  
> so the lesson is... _dont listen to danganronpa music when you write!_
> 
> unless you wanna write weird shit, i definitely recommend the execution music

a/n: this is right after mikasa and armin take gabi to the meeting room. you go to ask hange how falco is doing

"Do you think he'll be okay?" You hope he isn't. Being honest, the only reason you didn't let Colt hit it was because he and Falco look so much alike that you didn't want to think about getting railed by Colt while you checked out a 12 year old's books. And Eren, but he was a minor factor. The bitch literally left you alone in a foreign country, the fuck?

Hange looks up at, letting out a small hum. "I'm sure he'll be fine; maybe a bit of a concussion, but that can't be helped at this point." You crouch down to be the same level as Hange, using your sexy ass hand to push back Falco's hair. _'He really needs to wash his hair. This shit is greasy as fuck- He's lucky I'm even letting any part of him touch my hands, dirty bitch.'_

Your incompetent and lowkey offensive thoughts are interrupted by Niccolo who can't stop babbling apologies to Sasha. Obviously she forgave him, as he was the only chef who could keep up with the voracious appetite that came with being a bad bitch. Poor Sasha, at least his good food made up for the weak ass stroke game that she told you about.

"Rinse his mouth out, but it might be too late."

You look at him, hella annoyed that he even wants to speak to you after making you do free labor without any pay. _'Screw the fact that me not getting food makes it actual free labor, I wanted a fucking slice of cake,'_

You look at Sasha incredulously, surprised that she let her dog speak. "Make his leash tighter, babe. Straight, white men don't deserve rights in this establishment," Sasha giggles a bit before realizing that you were serious. She lightly kicks Niccolo in the side as a warning for speaking without her permission.

You ignore the fact that Niccolo practically owns said establishment and continue to analyze and internally make fun of Falco's big ass fivehead. _'This shit has more surface area than my left tittie and ass cheek combined- Damn,'_

Niccolo rolls his eyes as if he's some big man. Psh, you knew better. Sasha's told you about all the times that she put cat ears on him and made him wear a maid dress. "I'm being deadass, the hell? Rinse his mouth out, that wine was spiked as _fuck._ "

Hange looks at Niccolo slowly, wondering what nonsense this male thought he was doing in the presence of the greatest, strongest, holiest she/they in the discovered universe. Hange speaks, their glorious, amazing, show-stopping voice ringing in your ears. "The fuck you say to me? Pick my fucking food hoe!" Niccolo lets out a scoff and Hange walks over to him. "Are you laughing?" Suddenly a loud thunder sound effect rings out. "Broke people should never laugh!" Hange struts away, too seggsy and fine to be bothered with this societal menace.

Niccolo sighs, trying to hide his embarrassment that he was called out by the great she/they. "I'm being serious, swear on Sasha's pussy game."

Sasha gasps, now realizing how serious Niccolo was. "Hange, baby. Listen to this man, I can't let my pussy game go to shit. I got like...5 sugar daddies and 3 of them give me _good_ money. If they drop me, I swear to Ymir that this will be my 14th reason."

Hange hushes Sasha, nodding on for Niccolo to speak. He nods and shakes his head like he was about to give a big ass speech. Hange sighs, already irritated just from letting him move and displace her air. "Niccolo, speak right the fuck now. What was in the fucking wine?"

Niccolo nods his head again before finally spitting it out.

" **I think...I think it was Zeke's jizz,** "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope at least one person understood the nicki minaj reference-  
> also i wrote this about a week before i went on hiatus which is why i dont remember writing any of that  
> the only proof that i have that shows that night even exists is my google history which had execution on the same day and time as the document was last opened.


	10. viii - 1

Jean picks Niccolo up, slamming him against the wall.

"What do you mean...? His spinal fluid is in the wine...?" He spits out.

Niccolo looks him in the eye, his voice barely above a whisper. "I- I don't have solid proof, but the survey ships had way more wine than they needed for a short-term trip." He looks down and sighs, a scowl on his face. "Once I was hired to work here, I was told to serve the wine to as many high-ranking officials as possible."

Jean grabs Niccolo's shoulders and slams his against the wall. "Who told you?!"

"...Yelena. I think she was acting alone..."

Hange whips their head over to Onyankopon who had made his way next to the two of you, pausing their actions of rinsing out Falco's mouth. He raises his hands up defensively, "I swear I didn't know! Yelena never told me of any of this,"

Connie speaks up, his voice harsh and sharp. "That doesn't make sense! Zeke told us that Eldians freeze up the second they consume his spinal fluid, right?!" He looks down, tears welling up in his eyes. "Th-That's what happened in Ragako..."

Hange resumes to pour water in Falco's mouth and you tilt his face, letting the water run out onto the floor. You push Falco's hair back, seeing that the bleeding on his forehead had slowed.

"...That's only what Zeke said, none of us were there to witness it." Hange began. "It was such a believable lie that we would have had no way to prevent this, no one would have known that they drank it."

Jean lets go of Niccolo's shoulders. "But that's just your theory, correct? There's no proof!" Jean's voice is desperate and you can hear it crack towards the end of his words.

Niccolo's voice is soft as he explains how Zeke's spinal fluid had been used in the past. “Any Marleyan soldier would know how Zeke’s been used in previous battles.” He reveals. “Even if I don’t have proof, what else could it be? Why else would I have to serve it to the higher-ups?”

Sasha looks at Niccolo, speaking for the first time. “Is that why you took that wine from us? To protect us?”

Niccolo nods, “If I’m found out for telling you about this, I’ll surely die soon.” He looks at Mr. Brause over Jean’s shoulder. “I’ll never be a man like you, I even tried to kill a child; what’s wrong with me? But if this small thing can atone for my sins, I’ll do it.”

Mr. Brause looks down at Falco, who’s still unconscious on the ground. “Hange, what’ll become Ben?”

Hange looks at Falco, a small frown on their face. “For now, we have no choice but to act as if Niccolo is correct,” Hange stands up starting to unbutton their jacket. “Everyone take off your coats and wash your hands. Do not put your hands next to your face or mouth, no matter the circumstances.”

Jean and Connie pick up Falco and carry him to the kitchen where you can hear the sink running. Hange looks back at you and Onyankopon. “One of you go tell Armin and Mikasa. The other will go through the building and make sure that there are no Eldians dining here, if there are, make sure that they’ve had none of the wine.”

Onyankopon gives a sharp nod before looking at you. “You go tell your friends, I’ll take care of the other diners.” He walks off, leaving you to make your way to the room next door.

You’re halfway through the door when you feel a gun pressed against your stomach. You look up and see a mop of red hair, causing you to nearly burst a blood vessel. “Oh fuc-”

You’re interrupted by a stark yell that could’ve only come from Onyankopon. “Hange!” Looking behind you, you see that Onyankopon, much like you, had barely gotten out of the room.

Hange and the others come running in, soap suds covering their elbows. Hange’s eyes widen upon seeing the crowd of soldiers. “Wha-? Floch?!”

Floch looks up upon hearing his name. “Commander,” He starts, his voice calm and even. “I’m sure you know where Zeke is being kept. You’re going to take us to him,”

Hange holds up their hands. “We don’t want to oppose you. Haven’t you received the proposal from the Corps?”

Floch rolls his eyes. “Yes. We declined it, we don’t negotiate with the Survey Corps.”

“Why?”

“Eren’s decision. We’re not willing to stake the fate of this island on Commander Pyxis’ morals. I’ll bet that right now he’s trying to find out how to take the Founder from Eren as we look for Zeke,”

Your eyes widen. “Eren?” you question. Your voice is barely above a whisper, ghosting Floch’s ears.

He looks at you. “Yes, Eren. He's here right now,” Floch nods his head towards the room next door, a sickly sweet smile pasted onto his face. “He’ll want to see you,”

The guards hesitantly spread out, creating a walkway for you. You leave the room, head down. _‘I swear...if I die, Jean can have all of my books and Connie and Sasha can keep my money’_ You’re brought out of your thoughts, nearly running into the door.

You sigh, knocking first to make sure it was in fact the right room. You hear a sharp ‘come in’ and open the door. You’re greeted with the sight of Mikasa, Armin, and Gabi, all with their hands laid out on the table in front of them. Eren’s back is facing you and you can see a small pool of blood forming underneath his right hand.

“Come.” You hear him say. “Take a seat.” You walk over, taking a seat next to Gabi, giving you a full view of Eren’s bleeding hand.

You hear a knock at the door and then a muffled voice. “Hey, we’re leaving.” Eren responds with a short ‘ok’ before facing the four of you again.

“Was- was that Floch’s voice?” Armin questions. “You came here with Floch?”

Eren nods. “I wanted to talk to you guys in a quiet setting. We can settle Eldia’s problems with minimal conflict.” Armin furrows his brows, looking down at his hands. Eren zeroes in on him and you shiver from the intensity of his gaze, even though it’s not on you. “Hange and the others will be fine, we’re only moving them.”

Armin looks up. “Actually, we’re the ones who wanted to talk to you. We just wanted to know what you were thinking,” Eren raises an eyebrow, sporting a confused look. Armin continues, “What made you decide to attack Marley on your own, if Yelena and Zeke have really got you on their side...”

Eren leans back in his chair. “I am free,”

“...What?”

He continues, looking up to the ceiling. “Whatever I do, whatever I choose, it’s out of my own free will.”

Armin just stares at him. “You secretly met with Yelena, right? The night of the rail opening?” Mikasa looks over at Armin, her face dripping in worry. “You’re saying this has all been your free will since that night?”

Eren nods, causing Mikasa to finally break. “No, you’re being controlled. You would never involve children or civilians, no matter where they lived! You’ve been the one to care and think about us, more than anyone ever has.” Eren looks at her, a bored look on his face.

Mikasa reaches for her scarf, lifting her hands off of the table. “Haven’t you been the one to care? You saved me from being kidnapped...an-and wrapped this scarf around me.” Her voice cracks, tears welling up in her eyes. “You did it out of kindness...right?”

Eren leans his chair forward, the front legs hitting the floor with a sharp ‘clack’. “I said to keep your hands on the table.” Mikasa freezes and slowly lowers her hands from her scarf.

“I hid myself in Liberio, spoke with Zeke. Brother to brother...I learned a lot then. Zeke knows more than Marley,” Eren looks to Armin. “You still visit Annie, right? Do you think that’s of your own free will? Or is it Bertholdt's?”

Armin’s eyes widened. “What? What are you-”

Eren interrupts him. “If memories play a major role in forming who a person is, then a part of you has become Bertholdt. A part of you has become an enemy soldier who feels love for another enemy soldier, you, an adviser of Eldia, holder of one of the Nine Titans.” Armin gasps, his eyes wide. “You’ve never been soft like this before and you never backed the enemy. Your judgement would always lead us to the right answer, but now all that comes from your mouth is ‘Let’s talk’...You’ve become useless. Armin, Bertholdt has gotten to your brain. You’re the one who’s being controlled by the enemy.”

You look at Eren, shocked at what he’s said. “Eren! What are you trying to do?”

He looks at you, a dull look still on his face. “I’m just saying. There’s nothing further removed from freedom than ignorance.” He looks back at the ceiling and sighs. “I’ve learned people who strive for nothing other than to please others have no purpose in life, I suppose that you’d fit right in with those people,”

You swear you feel your heart crack right down the middle. “...What?”

“You’ve no purpose in life. What happens when those people are gone? You’re just like your mother, blind and naive. You remember what happened to her, right?” Eren’s eyes are burning into the top of your head, your eyes still glued to the table. “And your father? Too loyal to others to see that it’ll hurt him in the end- you’ll end up just like them,”

You feel your eyes tear up and you clench your fists. “No...I’m not like that. I do things for people because I _love_ them...” You whisper. You look up at him, locking eyes.

Eren scoffs. “Really? Would you die for me?” You take a sharp breath. Would you? Would you be willing to die for him? Eren continues. “If I were on the edge of death, barely alive- you’re saying you would try to bring me back at the expense of your own life?”

Mikasa whips her head over to you, “Eren, stop this.”

“No, Mikasa. I want to know, would they die for me?” He looks at you expectantly, waiting for an answer. Your hands are trembling and you slowly shake your head left to right, a silent no. _‘That’s not true, that’s not true, I just want you to stop this. I would die for you as much as you’d die for me. I lov-’_ Your thoughts are rapid, your eyes flicking from your hands to Eren’s to Gabi’s. Everywhere but to his face.

Eren speaks again. “Then you don’t love me? You say you’d do things for people you love, but you won’t do that for me?” Your eyes freeze on his hand, looking at the sticky, half-dried blood underneath it. “So if you don’t love me, am I expected to ignorantly love you back?”

“...No. I-I didn’t say that. Stop. Sto-”

“Then I should let you know that I never loved you, I pitied you. I pitied someone who was so lonely that they held onto the first person who befriended them,” His voice is level and matter-of-fact. Your breath stops and you feel your stomach start to twist inside of you.

 _‘He...doesn’t love me?’_ It feels like your heart’s been ripped out of your chest. You choke out a small sob and look down. Your fists are clenched and you can feel your fingernails cutting into the palms of your hands.

Mikasa looks from you to Eren, her brows furrowed. “Eren, can’t you see that you’re hurti-”

“I learned about the Ackermans too. The reason you’re so strong, Mikasa.” Mikasa peels her off of you and looks at Eren. “The Marleyan scholars know barely anything about the Titans. During the Eldian empire’s long history, somewhere along the line came the Ackerman clan. They can manifest the power of the Titan’s, but stay in a human form. Even so, they were designed to protect Eldia’s king. The instincts in their blood still activate when they sense a host.”

“You only cling to me because of your instincts as an Ackerman. You obeyed my orders the moment you were facing death, ‘Fight’. Once all of those conditions are met, it’s said that the Ackerman clan’s blood will awaken.” Mikasa’s eyes widen and through your blurred vision you can see glossy beads of sweat forming on her forehead. “Not only did this heighten your physical abilities, you also gained the experience in battle from every past Ackerman. All because you happened to trick yourself into thinking that I was the host you needed to protect.”

“N-no. You’re wrong, Eren.”

“I am? Tell me how,”

“Nothing was by chance. None of it.” You can see Mikasa’s hand shaking against the table top, the sound of her pinky fingernail tapping against it. “It was because of you, I was able to become strong. You, Eren. Everything was because of you!” Her words are muffled, her eyes wide and glossed over.

“Apparently, once an Ackerman awakens, they’ll suffer from frequent headaches. Familiar, yeah? “ Mikasa frantically shakes her head left to right. You can hear faint whispers of ‘no’ all coming from her direction. “My point is, the real Mikasa disappeared in that mountain hut all those years ago. Leaving only you behind, still faithful to your Ackerman instincts.”

Mikasa’s hands are shaking more violently and now it’s a symphonious tapping, her left ring finger then her right pinky then her left pointer. It’s a seemingly endless cycle, each fingernail knocking against the tabletop more violently than the last time.

“A clan who lost their true selves, created only to follow orders. In other words, slaves.”

Armin’s yells, almost muffling the sound of Mikasa’s erratic breathing. “Eren, stop it!”

“Do you know what I hate most in this world? Anyone who isn’t free, that or cattle.” Your ears block out any noise, the room silent as you zero in on Armin and Mikasa’s faces. It’s truly tragic, seeing their faces contort to Eren’s words, it stuns you to see how much of an effect he’s had on you. A sensory overload, too many noises, too many emotions. ‘How did we get here?’

You tune back in to the events that are happening around you at the worst possible time. “Ever since I was a kid, Mikasa. I’ve always hated you.”

Her face crumples, fat tears welling up in her eyes and her lips held slightly open in pure shock. It’s then that you know, she’s had her heart broken even worse than you just did.

Armin sets one of his feet on the table, his fist pulled back. “EREN! HOW DARE YOU!” Mikasa grabs the back of Armin’s jacket and flips him onto the table, his face slamming it with a deafening ‘crack.’ Armin looks over his shoulder, his cheek still flush against the table. “Mikasa…?”

Eren looks down at his hands, his eyes closed. “See? All you’ve ever done is live according to what your Ackerman blood tells you to do. That’s all you are.” Armin scowls and picks his head up, his arm pulled back once again. He launches himself forward, punching Eren square in the face. Two guards come rushing in, slamming to doors open. Eren looks over his shoulder, “We’re fine,”

Armin rolls over the table, slamming into the wine holder that was next to the door. Eren gets up and slowly walks over to Armin, looking down at him. “So, we’ve never fought before, huh?” Eren punches Armin, knocking him back to the ground. “Would you like to know why? Because there’s no way you could ever put up a fight against me,” His words are spewed out amongst a barrage of kicks and punches, loud thuds coming from Armin’s body.

You get up from the table and run over to Armin, his nose crooked and blood running from his eyes and lips. You check his hair to make sure he didn’t hit his head on the wine cabinet. Armin’s blonde hair is matted with blood, and you can’t tell if it’s yours from the cuts in your hand or if it’s his. Eren is standing over you, glowering down at the two of you. “Stop...Please, just leave him alone…” You plead.

Eren rolls his eyes. “Like I already explained, if you tell me where Zeke is, we won’t have to fight. Just come with us,” Eren looks at the two guards who were still standing there, “Take them away, take the kid too.”

“And?” Armin croaks out, his voice is terribly hoarse. “What did you even want to say to us? This is the freedom you wanted? The freedom to hurt everyone who loves you?” He coughs, blood splattering on your pants. Eren looks over his shoulder, scowling at the three of you. “Why don’t you tell us, Eren? Who’s the real slave to a piece of shit?”

Eren’s jaw tenses and he looks at his feet. “Who the hell are you calling a slave? ...Let’s go,”

Mikasa looks at Eren and you see that her tears have mostly dried. “...Where are we going?”

Eren starts walking towards the door, the guards walking towards the three of you, pulling out restraints.

“Isn’t it obvious? The place where all of this started, Shiganshina District.”

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had to split this one up because it was too long, so the flashback will be the next chapter  
> again, i really love reading the comments, so thank you to everyone. whether you read, comment, or follow me (or all three) i truly appreciate it! :)


	11. viii - 2

-849, 10 Months Before Graduation-

_"Sasha...If I die, you can have all of my money so you can buy all the cakes and pastries you want.”_

_She rolls her eyes. “I know I’m the last person who should say this, but quit with the dramatics, you’ll be fine." Although her words are harsh, she has a giddy smile on her face. “But I’ve got to go. I promised Jean that I’d spar with him today,”_

_You let out a harsh cough, feeling like you're about to hack your lungs out. Sasha reaches into the pail next to you and wrings out the wet rag, switching it for the one on your forehead. “If you need anything, just scream and someone will come running in, okay?”_

_You nod and Sasha squeezes your hand. “I’ll be back in an hour at most, until then, try not to die.” Her ponytail disappears out of the door frame and you’re alone._

_\---_

_You can’t tell if you’re awake or not when you hear a soft knock on the door. You decide you’re awake if you’re that aware. “You can come in,” You hear a sigh of relief from the other side of the door. Expecting to see Connie or Jean, you’re surprised to see Eren._

_He holds out one of his hands in front of him, showing you a cup of water. “...I saw that Sasha was out with Jean…” He slowly walks over and sits in the chair at your bedside. “The least I could do is bring you some water if you’re by yourself,”_

_You give him a small smile. “Thanks, I appreciate it.” The two of you sit in an awkward silence with the occasional sniffle from you and the odd rhythm of Eren tapping his feet on the ground._

_You look at him, watching as he stares out of your bedroom window. He looks calm, unlike any other time you’ve interacted with him (which has been very few times, you had a habit of avoiding him and his two friends, they reminded you too much of home)._

_He looks back at you and you look away, not wanting to get caught staring. “Um- what do you do all day? Don’t you get bored?”_

_You let out a rough laugh. “What is there for me to do?” Eren looks down at his boots, feet still tapping. “Well, I start the day off with a good old coughing session, then I wait for Sasha or Ymir to come while I get dressed. They don’t help me or anything, they just make sure I don’t pass out from standing up or something,”_

_Eren looks up at you, his brows furrowed. “Ymir? I thought that Sasha and Krista were supposed to be watching you…”_

_You sigh. “Yeah, but Ymir didn’t want me to ‘seduce’ Krista, so she swings by in the mornings and takes her spot. Otherwise, Krista comes and watches me during the day.” You grab the cup of water Eren set down on your bedside table, taking a sip to soothe your throat. You weren’t used to this much talking ever since you had gotten sick. “Then I read a book if Krista is watching me or if I’m with Sasha, we come up with new recipes for food and stuff.”_

_Eren looks around the room, noting how clean it was even though you had been living in it for nearly a week. “How did you even get sick? When we were kids, my dad always visited because one of your parents was sick, but never you.”_

_You cringe at the memory his question brought up. “Sasha...she gave me some bread as a joke, she didn’t think I’d eat it. Connie and Jean had both spit on it after it fell on the ground and Sasha gave it to me because she thought I knew,” Eren cringes, nearly gagging just at the thought. “I didn’t even notice until Connie saw that I had already eaten most of it. I thought that she had just dipped it in her soup or something-”_

_Eren waves his hands in front him, indicating that he had heard enough. “I can’t believe you’re still alive. Armin told me that horse spit contained weird bacteria that makes you foam in the mouth,”_

_“Are you talking about...rabies?”_

_Eren snaps his fingers. “Yeah, that’s it! Let’s hope you don’t have rabies, I think you can die from it…”_

_That was the day you decided that Eren Yeager was almost cool when he wasn’t being a spaz._

_\---_

_What did you have that she didn’t? Mikasa wasn’t a jealous person, far from it. But when it was with Eren, it was....different. He was her family, all she had left and she lost him to_ **_you_ ** _?_

_You weren’t anything special when it came to training, not in the slightest. And while Mikasa could reluctantly admit that you were attractive, Eren had never been one who hung out with someone for something as vain as looks. So what was it? What did you have that she didn’t?_

_When Eren got hurt, he didn’t shake off your worried touches the way he did with Mikasa. He let you help him stand up and feel his arm to make sure he hadn’t broken it. When Eren was talking too much at dinnertime, he didn’t get angry at you when you reminded him to eat. He just laughed with you, joking about how you were right, Sasha wasn’t above taking someone’s food while their spoon was still in it._

_In class, Eren had even opted to sit next to you sometimes, brushing off Armin’s offers. Didn’t Eren see how that made Armin feel? Even though Armin never said he was upset, Mikasa knew. Come on, Armin_ **_had_ ** _to be as upset as Mikasa was, right? She wasn’t being irrational, anyone would be upset that they were being left behind. But if that were the case, wouldn't Armin at least tell her?_

_\---_

_“I’m sitting with my friend today, Mikasa. I already told you guys yesterday,” Eren complains. Armin nods in confirmation, still reading his book._

_“But Eren, we haven’t sat together in a while. What if I sit with you over there?” Her voice was monotone, not giving even the slightest hint at her irritation._

_“Mikasa, it’s fine. It’s like, two tables away. And Eren has sat with us the past week for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.” Armin’s interjection is...new. Normally, he’d let Mikasa and Eren have a one-sided argument._

_Mikasa sighs as she watches Eren walk away, away from her._

_Eren sits down next to you and the two of you wave to Armin and Mikasa, Armin lazily waving back. You have a soft smile on your face, a glow that must naturally bring people in. Your natural scowl contradicted your personality in every way, soft and polite._

_What was it about you?_

_\---_

_She had lost him. Maybe she had never had him? While he had a tendency to brush her off, Mikasa had never taken it as more than Eren just being sensitive. But he was laughing with you, even after you had just flipped him over your shoulder._

_You ran over to him, brows creased and mouth open in terror. “Eren! Are you okay? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to throw you like-”_

_Eren shakes his head, telling you it was okay as he shakily stood up with your help. “No, you did a good job! Annie said that if you spread your feet a little wider you can throw the person harder, but I think that you’ve got it down!” He gives you a slap on your back, a wide smile on his face. “With moves like that, you might just take Mikasa_ **_and_ ** _my spot as the best at hand-to-hand combat,”_

_You nervously laugh back after asking him if he was okay for a second time. Mikasa watched in from afar, not paying attention to Armin’s calls of her name. “Mikasa...Mikasa....Mikasa!” She whips her head to her side to see Armin standing there expectantly. “Eren’s fine, if he wasn’t, he would’ve been taken to the infirmary. Don’t worry about him,”_

_Mikasa wordlessly nods, not bothering to correct Armin. Because it’s not like he would know. For the first time, she wasn’t worried about Eren, she was worried about you._

_\---_

_It was odd to experience. How can you lose someone and still see them? To lose someone and they still sit next to you at meals, still run next to you in training. How can you lose someone and they’re still there?_

_Her family was dead. Her parents were long gone, Ms. Yeager was dead too, and Mr. Yeager was who knows where. But Mikasa still had Eren, so everything was okay. He was security, he and his scarf were all she had left from before the walls had fallen._

_So how could she lose him and he was right here in front of her? Honestly, it wasn’t as though he had just disappeared off of the face of the earth, they still talked and Eren sat with her and Armin more than he sat with you. But it still didn't make sense._

_How could she lose him to something so mundane? It wasn't anything close to the other losses she had experienced, so why did this one hurt almost as much? When Eren hung out with other people, Mikasa didn't mind. They were just friends, nothing that was permanent or took any more commitment than they had to each other._

_But Eren let you treat him the way Mikasa longed to. He let you worry about him, let you dote on him when he was training too hard and needed to rest. He came to you for help with classwork and when he wanted company. You took that privilege for granted, so terribly for granted._

_You were friends with everyone, not particularly attached to a certain group. You treated almost all of your friends equally (though it was clear that you favored Sasha, Connie, and Jean) but why? Eren was extending an olive branch, one that Mikasa so desperately wanted extended to her, and you didn’t fawn over it. It was a privilege in and of itself that you could brush off the magnitude of his casual offer._

_What could she do to be like you?_

_\---_

_She was expected to get first. When she didn't, it wasn’t that big of a deal to her, but when she saw that Eren went out of his way to congratulate you, she wished that she had gotten it. If she had placed first, would he have patted her shoulder with a smile and told her she deserved it like he had to you?_

_Even though she had placed second, Eren had only acknowledged it to tell her to go to the Military Police. It was like when he had figured out the ODM gear all over again, he just wanted to be away from her. Mikasa didn’t need his approval or his validation, but_ **_something_ ** _would’ve been nice._

_The only reason she didn’t place first was because of a pounding headache, her brain felt like it would split in half at any second and she fumbled during the ODM assessment. Stupid way to lose something as big as that, something as big as first place._

_In the end, only one thing was consistent, you seemed to attract people and things towards you. You had Eren, your placement, even Armin had started to ask you for assistance in his classes whenever he’d be having a hard time. Her whole life, Mikasa had to chase after a sense of ‘normal.’_

_Her family already lived in the mountains, limiting her interactment with children her age. Then when they died, she was lost. Lost in this endless world and Eren and his family were able to help her find her place. But right when she was getting back in the groove of things, starting to realize that her life finally had a rhythm, her family was wiped out again._

_All she had left was Eren, he was her constant and you whisked him away. Anyone could see that outside of her and Armin, Eren spent the most time with you._

_But her question was never answered, what did you have that she didn’t?_


	12. ix

Connie sighs, leaning his back against the cell doors. "We're really gonna sit here and watch everything unfold?"

No one answers him, all stuck in their own heads. You look up at him from your spot at the table, your face resting on one of your hands. "Niccolo boiled some water..." You're interrupted by the kettle whistling. "If you prefer, you can have some tea as you watch things unfold,"

Mr. Braus gives you a dry chuckle as he takes out cups, grabbing one for everyone. It's silent except for the small noises of cups being set down on the table after they've been drank out of.

"Armin...can't you use you titan to get us out of here?" Connie sighs out.

Armin looks at Connie, an apologetic look on his face. "I would, but I would end up blasting the whole city. The Colossal can't do jobs that require this much dexterity...unlike Eren."

Jean scoffs, swirling his tea cup around. "Why _did_ you get your ass beat by Eren? Now would be a good time to talk about it, you know."

Armin looks down at his cup, sighing. "He said hurtful things, so I started a fight...and I ended up getting hit back."

Jean looks between the three of you and frowns. "When you say he hurt you guys, how did he do it?"

Armin looks at you, then at Mikasa. "Well, he-"

"Stop..." Mikasa whispers. She looks down at her feet. "It's fine..."

Jean shakes his head. "No, it's not fine. What did he do?"

Connie leans his head back against the bars, exposing his neck. "That's enough, Jean. That just shows that he's become a total piece of shit. Going as far as to hurt the people he should care about the most without a reason...he's already lost himself at this point."

You set your head back down on the table, feeling tired from everything that had happened throughout the day. You close your eyes as you listen to Jean talk, falling asleep to his voice. "Still, assuming that he's still sane, I don't think he would do something like that for no reason. Somehow...aren't his real intentions in there somewhere?"

\---

You're woken up from your brief nap when you hear an unfamiliar voice. "It's been a while, heroes of Shiganshina." You look up to see Yelena in all her glory, looking down at all of you.

She speaks again, leaning forward with a frown on her face. "It truly pains me that we're meeting again from across these iron bars..."

Connie squints, looking at who was behind Yelena. "Why are you on their side?! Get us out of here!" You prop yourself up, setting your elbows on the table, trying to get a better look at who was next to Yelena.

Onyankopon scoffs, rolling his eyes. "Don't you think that's asking a little too much after putting me under house arrest and dragging me around?" Connie steps back from the bars, his eyes wide.

You snort at his apparent shock. "At least he's honest with us..."

Onyankopon nods in your general direction, a grim look still on his face. "Until Zeke and Eren touch, you're all going to stay here and stay quiet."

Jean scoffs, a dry smile on his face. "I'm glad..." He slowly walks up to the cells, coming face to face with Yelena. "You must be feeling pretty good since things are going so well for you, right Yelena?" He looks up at her and you can't help but stare, still unaccustomed to how tall the two of them were.

"Getting Eren to work for Zeke by making yourself an intermediary, having him attack Marley, and gathering the support of Eldian citizens...Even since then you've gained control of the Military Police, thanks to the laced wine." Jean scowls and kicks his foot against the bars, Yelena only looking down at him with a condescending smile on her face. He saunters off to the back, leaning his back against the wall.

You turn your head to look at him, then look back at Yelena. While you've always been fond of her intelligence, you couldn't help but be impressed by her (most likely Zeke's) careful planning. "I've got to hand it to you, I knew you were smart, but not _this_ smart. You've got your hands on the nation of Eldia and the power of the Founder, the ability to avenge your motherland by taking down Marley...that's why you and the volunteers came here, right?"

"We made this island flourish!" Onyankopon cuts in. "This primitive island that was at least a hundred years behind,"

"And that was so you could live the good life?" Niccolo glowered. "You, who would eventually become the rulers of the island..."

"Those who get fooled lose the game, Niccolo. That's all there is to this," A man states. You don't know his name, and you truly don't care.

You end up finding out his name is Grior when it slips out of Niccolo's mouth. "You got promoted to Yelena's personal pet after selling us out, you fucking snitch." You place your hand over your mouth, muffling a breathy laugh at Niccolo's crude choice of words.

Grior leans his face closer to Niccolo's, putting them almost nose-to-nose. "Are you stupid? The one who betrayed us and started supporting the devils is you," he spits out. You make eye contact with Sasha who was sitting across the table from you. Her fingers resting on her lips, her eyes wide in shock.

She stands up, her eyebrows furrowed. "Hey! Don't yell at him like that, just leave him alone!"

Grior ignores her, choosing to continue berating Niccolo. "Even drooling over that potato woman over there who descended from the devils-"

Niccolo reaches his arm through the bars, reaching for Grior's neck. "I'm gonna kill you! Haven't you heard of respecting women-"

Jean runs up, pulling Niccolo away from the bars. "Stop- Niccolo, quit it!" Jean grabs Niccolo's forearms, trying unlatch his fingers from Grior.

Grior is unphased, a smirk still on his face. "I had to sit through your rambling about that whore every night...It was stupid of me to think you would come to your senses after being with her, I had hoped she would die in the Liberio raid."

Sasha gasps, curling her hands into fists. "You bastard! The hell did you say about me?" She starts to stomp over to the cell door and you grab her sleeve, giving her a pleading smile.

Grior looks past Jean and Niccolo, locking eyes with Sasha. "I'll say it in a way even a slut like you could understand. You people are nothing more than descendants of dev-"

Grior's lecture is interrupted by a small 'pop' and his body goes crashing down. You look and see small blood splatters across Niccolo's hands and his previously pristine, white shirt. Jean grimaces, wiping some blood from his knuckles onto his pants.

You look towards the ground and see Grior's body, a shiny puddle of blood oozing from underneath his head. You see what looks like small chunks of chewed up cake laying in the puddle and squint, trying to see what it was. Upon noticing the muddy gray and pink color, you hum, realizing that it was his brain.

The Braus children are crying in the background, nuzzling their faces into Mrs. Braus' sides. Sasha walks over to Kaya, cooing at her and tucking her hair behind her ear, assuring her that everything will be alright.

Aside from the children's small hiccups and sniffles, it's silent. You close your eyes and breathe in the air, the familiar smell of blood and gunpowder mixing in your nose and it takes you back to when you were a cadet, simpler days.

"I simply have to apologize for his behavior..." Yelena states, her voice as smooth as ever. Slender fingers pass her gun to Onyankopon who accepts it and those very fingers that just killed a man adjust the cuffs of her sleeves, dancing as they undo and then redo the buttons. Yelena looks at everyone, a gentle smile gracing her features.

"Anyone who calls you devils is unnecessary to have around. I hope you'll come to understand that our goal is much bigger than taking down Marley,"

You look at her, a lazy smile on your face. "Why don't you enlighten us, Yelena? You've always been good at helping people understand things,"

Yelena smiles again, this time showing her teeth. "You never fail to flatter me~ Our goal is to eradicate all of the hate that has grown between Marley and Paradis Island."

You slowly nod, looking at your boots. "And eradicating the hate would most likely mean eradicating the people as well?"

Yelena ignores your question, apparently more intrigued by your calm demeanor. "I just realized, you looked quite unfazed, just then. Is seeing someone's brains splattered across your friends something that you've seen often?"

You give her a small chuckle, much to your friend's surprise. _'I guess she's saving the big reveal for later...'_

You nod slowly, face pulled into a small smile. "I suppose...Everything just now reminded me of the day my boss almost killed yours." You notice that Yelena's smile has dropped, replaced with a scowl. "When I was watching Levi stick a blade straight through Zeke's face, it was impossible to not smell the ashes from all the explosions...the blood from the people that Hairball had massacred."

You look at Armin, who's eyes are closed as he listens to the conversation. "But here we are, Zeke is unfortunately still alive and well, and we're sitting here, stuck in a cell." You look down at your hands, sighing. "Heh...that rhymed, didn't it?"

Yelena nods, her hands tucked into her pockets. "That it did. Now, remind me what were we talking about before?"

Armin opens his eyes one at a time, training them on Yelena. "Your motivation. Why we're here,"

Yelena hums, nodding her head. "...I remember now. As I was saying, our true objective is nothing as irrelevant as taking vengeance on Marley. The cycle of hatred on this world...we wish to break it so that even Marley and Eldia can both be saved."

You look back at Grior's corpse, thinking about if he had a family. Yelena drones on, explaining the plan. "Without hiding anything, I will explain it to you. From Zeke's secret measures to save the world to the euthanasia plan in its entirety..."

\---

"Children will no longer be born...?" Armin takes the words out of your mouth as you all stare at Yelena, cramped in the dirty cell.

"I knew you would all understand. Precisely," Yelena readjusts her legs. Even though shes sitting in a chair, her feet still brush against the iron bars. "Ideally, we would rid the world of the suffering that the Titans cause."

You hear shuffling and look towards it to see Onyankopon wrapping up Grior's body. Yelena blinks slowly, her eyes unfocused. "It'll happen slowly...peacefully."

Jean shakes his head. "...That could never be peaceful. If the Subjects of Ymir dissapear and if the population keeps decreasing, eventually the only survivors would be feeble old people. How are we expected to protect the island? Other countries wouldn't pass up a perfect opportunity like that!"

Yelena runs a hand through her hair. "As for that, things will be the same as they've always been. We use the Rumbling as a deterrent. That being said, the survival and succession of the royal bloodline and the Founder is essential." She looks at all of you, a pitying look on her face. "Lucky for us, Queen Historia has been blessed with a successor. Once that child has lived out it's days, several other Subjects of Ymir will inherit the Founder..."

You interrupts crossing your arms. "Then everything will be 'perfect', is that what you're insinuating?"

Yelena chuckles a bit, looking down at her hands. "Perfection...absoluteness...Things like that don't exist in any country. Every country has its own distinct problems, but one thing is certain: the threat that the Titans pose is far too grand of a problem. Fortunately, there are people that can solve said issue."

Yelena looks up, her face starting to flush. "The Yeager brothers...they're _special_...I can't help but wonder if there will ever be people like them that could accomplish such a feat after them" Yelena sighs, locking her eyes on every single one of you. "And after death, they will become the sun that shines on humanity as their saviors."

Her eyes start to tear up as her words become more wavered with emotion. "The two brothers will become symbols that are passed down for the next millennium! Truly reminiscent of the gods of ancient times..."

You hear a loud sniffle and ignore it, assuming that it was one of the Braus children. But then you hear it again and again, soon realizing it was coming from across the table.

"What's wrong?" Yelena inquired.

Armin shakes his head, wiping his face. "Nothing...just that you'd think such a noble thing." He lets out another choked sob. "I was...mo-moved."

Yelena smiles, small tears pricking the corner of her eyes. "I'm so _glad..._ " Her voice cracks and she wipes away a stray tear that had started to run down her face. "I'm happy that you understand-"

"Yelena!" A man comes running down the hallway, his breathing erratic. He waves a hand out in front of him.

"Come immediately! There's been an intruder-"

\--------------------------

-851, The Night Before Leaving the Walls-

_Everyone is smiling, the room glowing with positivity. Almost everyone is flushed too, faces hot and hands slightly clammy. Armin is sitting in_ _the corner if the room, resting his head on his knees, most likely sleeping._

_"_ _I'm not gonna lie, I feel pretty great right now._ _" Connie announces. He moves his body around on top of the table in an attempt to get up, his arms bumping everyone else's drinks._

_Sasha laughs, sticking a stray piece of bread in her mouth. Her face is flushed, eyes squinted from her ever present smile. "Be careful, you're going to spill it all! We have to savor it."_

_Jean smiles and you can tell he's tipsy too. It's a smile you've rarely seen before, the kind where you can see his dimples._

_You chuckle and press your finger in one of them. He scoffs, grabbing your hand. "Your hands are really hot, lay off on the booze."_

_Connie sits up, his body swaying with every movement. "Did you just say their hands are hot?" He lets out a boisterous laugh, his chest heaving with each breath. "Guys! I think Jean has a hand kink!" He wiggles his hands in Jean's face, fingers ghosting Jean's lips. "D'ya like that, Jeanbo? Kiss them!"_

_"Ew, what the hell! Why are your hands salty?"_

_Eren looks over, frowning. "How would you know they were salty... Did you lick Connie's hand?"_

_Mikasa swats his arm. "Don't be gross. He probably wouldn't do that."_

_Eren shrugs, "How else would he know? That's the only way, if he licked his hand."_

_Levi looks over in disgust, leaning his head against the stone wall. He looks at Hange, who's also slightly buzzed. "Who let them do this again?_ _They're not even of age,"_

_Hange laughs, taking another sip of their drink. "Oh, the alcohol? That was me! Nothing wrong with having a little fun, right?"_

_Levi just grunts, turning his attention back to the rowdy teens. "They're acting like animals...Someone get them under control."_

_Hange giggles, adjusting their glasses. "If you want to deal with them, by all means, go ahead!" They place a hand on Levi's shoulder and look down at him. "But maybe we should let them enjoy themselves tonight. If you want quiet, I reccommend we leave before they get any worse."_

_Levi nods and leaves the room, Hange following close behind, but not before grabbing an unopened bottle of alcohol from one of the tables._

_No one pays the two of them any mind, everyone to caught up in Jean's apparent hand kink._

_"Is it true, Jean? You- you like my...my hands?" You hold your hand out in front of his face, brows furrowed. "It's okay if you do! They shouldn't make fun of you for it,"_

_Jean sighs and pushes your hand out of his face. "No. And if you believe anything Connie says while drunk, that means you're hammered too."_

_Connie frowns, pressing his hand to his forehead. "No...I think I remember Jean saying something about hands a while ago. We were all alone and he grabbed mine, feeling them up."_

_Sasha nods and takes another bite if her bread. "Yeah, I remember that too! I didn't mind then, but now it all makes sense." She turns her head and places a hand on Jean's shoulder. "If that's how you feel, it's okay. To be honest, I can understand the appeal..."_

_Jean pushes her hand off of his shoulder and groans. "I don't have a thing for hands. If I ever touched your hands, it was because you couldn't figure out how to use the damn ODM gear._ _And that was over 3 years ago-"_

_Armin picks his head up from his knees, his cheeks a ruddy pink from how much he had drunk earlier. His eyes are wide open even though he had just woken up. "Hands?" Armin looks at his own, observing his palms and fingers. "...I can see it."_

_You look down. "Look, I think we can all agree that even though Jean allegedly doesn't have a thing for hands, it's not the worst thing he could do." Everyone nods, most of them looking at Jean. "I mean, he could be into titans."_

_Armin points a finger in the air, his brows raised. "Like Hange!"_

_Everyone falls silent and looks over to him, eyes wide. Eren's mouth falls open and he looks down at Armin._

_"What did you just say?"_

_Armin nods his head frantically, confidence unwavering. "No, I'm being serious! It makes sense, right? They get so excited about the titans, more than any other researcher does."_

_Mikasa scoffs, fingering at her scarf. "If_ _that's the case, what about you and the ocean?"_

_Armin looks down at his knees, still hunched over on the ground. "That's different! I'm intrigued, not turned on by it!"_

_You cover your mouth with your hand, letting out a small laugh. 'Geez, my hands are warm- How much have I had to drink?'_

_You shake your head and drop your hand from your face. "Then it's decided, Hange doesn't have a thing for titans if you don't with the ocean. They're both under similar circumstances, so we'll treat them as the same, alright?"_

_Sasha stands up, drink in hand. "This is a democracy, so we'll vote on it!"_

_"We actually live under a monarchy, but continue." You cut in._

_Sasha rolls her eyes, not paying what you said any mind. "Everyone who agrees say...wait- What are you supposed to say?"_

_Eren slowly shakes his head and looks up to the ceiling_ _, sighing._

_"I'm never drinking with you guys again."_


	13. -Black history month

  
So I wanted to discuss why it had been such a long break between my last update and my most recent one. Normally I take a week at most between updating my fics, but since the beginning of Black history month, I've been taking time to become more educated on my own culture and the history of the Black experience in America.

I've been watching documentaries, reading books, and even just taking time to look at my own experiences in life and realizing that there was really never a healthy way for me to cope or process the coded and outright racism I experienced growing up and even now (probably why I ended up becoming a fanfic writer, but I digress).

My own life and the things I've been through are in no way rare or extraordinary and it's an extremely sad reality that that's the case. So whether you're Black, African-American, any other minority race, bi-racial, or white, I heavily recommend that we all take time to understand and delve deeper into the oppression that is built into our (specifically American) society.

Even though Black history is not confined to being talked about in February, I realize that people are generally more aware once the month comes. Black history is not _just_ for Black people, Black history is part of American history and we need to address and appreciate it.

Even starting off with learning about one Black or African-American figure a day can help enrich your overall knowledge and awareness.

All in all, I'm extremely passionate about making sure that as many people as possible are educated because not only will it benefit them, but the people around them.

\---

What I watched and where to find it:

- _I am Not Your Negro_ (Netflix)  
The story of 3 Black power activists and their untimely deaths

_-Let it Fall: LA 1982-1992_ (Netflix)  
The South Central uprisings of 1992

_-LA 92_ (Netflix)  
The South Central uprisings of 1992

_-When They See Us_ (Netflix)  
The story of the Central Park 5

_-Fruitvale Station_ (Netflix)  
The retelling of the last hours of Oscar Grant's life before he was shot and killed by a transit police officer.

_-The Hate U Give_ (I'm not sure where to watch it, I have a DVD)  
A close to life telling of police brutality and the toll it takes on those closest to the victims.

_-13th_ (Netflix)  
An explanation of mass incarceration's birth, the revival of the KKK, how drugs were planted and circulated into the Black community, and how Black people have been forced to stay second-class citizens due to modernized Jim Crow laws.


	14. normalize thinking before you speak (or in this case, type)

(this comment was left on my last chapter. the one that celebrated Black history month)

i got this comment here ao3 and at first i kinda looked at it and read through it a few times to make sure i wasn't hallucinating. when i tell you i was shocked-

while i can confirm that yes, it _is_ a fanfiction, i (don't really) regret to inform this anonymous user that i'm allowed to speak my opinion on my own fanfic. i'm not sure why they felt entitled enough to go about telling me to not share my opinion and then directly share their opinion in my comment section but ok...

in any case, i would like this person to take a look at themselves and also do a quick google search. there _are_ in fact months that are dedicated to other races/cultures, so let's make a quick list :)

\---

february: Black/African-American history month

may: Asian/Pacific Islander history month

september: Hispanic/Latino history month

november: Native American history month

the literal rest of the year: we learn white-washed history. that's it. history being taught from a white, heteronormative standpoint. 

\---

in conclusion, if you're ignorant, just say so. racism isn't solved by ghosting over it and pretending that it never happened. in the case of racism, **silence is compliance**

i have zero tolerance for racism, homophobia, xenophobia, and overall ignorance because it is not my or anyone else's job to teach you how to stop being an asshole. i've had to learn how to navigate white spaces, so please just be a decent person and at the very least respect my space.

(also, it's funny that everyone else in the comments are so nice and then i get hit in the face with this. if you're going to be bold, please at least sign into your acc so we can have a real conversation. but lemme @ myself real quick because i didn't even listen to myself and i left a whole response at their comment anyway)


	15. x

You look up the shaking ceiling above you, small pieces of gravel getting in your eyes. "Shit, what the hell is happening?" You blink your eyes, brushing the dirt out of them.

Armin's eyes widen, his mouth hanging open. "There are titans moving up there...What did he do?"

It's silent in the cell, save for the small clinks of pebbles falling on the ground. You sigh and rest your face in your hands, blinking away small tears. 'What the hell is happening to my life? I just didn't want to be afraid to be alive anymore...'

Jean sighs, running his hands down his face. "Fuck...What are we supposed to do?"

Connie shrugs, shaking his head. "What can we do? We're locked in a cell underneath a literal warzone," He turns to you, a small smile on his face. "You got any fancy words for this?"

You peek at him through your hand and slowly lift your head. "Well...I don't...give me a second..." You weren't expecting to be a personal thesaurus while you were starting to have a mental breakdown.

Sasha smacks Connie's arm, shooting a glare at him. "Nice way to put them on the spot. Now isn't a good time,"

You shake your head, a shaky smile on your face. "No, it's fine. To be honest, I'm a little rusty...I haven't been asked for a word in a while."

You look up at the ceiling and then to the metal bars of the cell, sniffling away your tears. You rest your cheek on your hand and look over to Connie. "I'd say...paradox. The best way I can explain it is a statement or situation that contradicts itself."

Connie nods and lays a hand on your back. "And just why is our situation a paradox?"

Jean scoffs, tilting his head back. "Well, you just sound dumb when you say it..."

You let out a small laugh before looking at your hands. "Hm...it's easier to think it than it is to say it, but I can try." You look back at the metal bars again. "We're being held as prisoners for our freedom. Obviously, 'freedom' and 'prisoner' are contradictory, so that's where it becomes a paradox,"

Armin hums and looks into your eyes, his gaze softening when he notices your welled up tears. "I like it when you do that...I had a friend who knew words like that..."

You nod, feeling your eyes tear up even more. You remembered his friend, a kind person who was just as smart as he was. "What was your favorite word they told you about, Armin?"

He closes his eyes and a smile starts to grow on his face. "It was syzygy. Most of the time it's used when planets or stars are aligned, but they said it can be used to describe a pair of things that are connected."

You swear you can almost hear him let it a faint whisper, a breathless 'like we were', but before you can ask, Onyankopon comes running up to the cell doors. He fumbles with the keys, almost dropping them at one point.

Jean runs to the bars and sticks his head through them. "Onyankopon! What's happening out there?!"

Onyankopon speaks quickly, his words cut by his breathing. "The Marleyan military is here!"

"How-"

"They came in the sky! At least 500 soldiers were attacked by the Jaw, the Armor, and the Cart Titans at once! They're all here and Eren is fighting them alone!" Onyankopon is breathless as he finally gets the correct key and pulls open the door.

"He's struggling against all of the soldiers and I wouldn't be surprised if he was killed. The Founder will get stolen by Marley!" The door is opened and Connie steps forward, closing in on Onyankopon. "Help Eren fight! Help him with everyone!"

Connie presses Onyankopon against the wall, his face a breath away. "What are you bullshitting us for? Who the fuck is 'everyone'? That's your fight, so keep my friends and me out of this!"

Onyankopon pulls his head back as far as it will go, laying his face against the stone wall. "S-Sorry, but if I said anything to Yelena, I would've ended up like Grice!"

Connie slams him against the wall. "Huh?! You guys already said it! You only played nice to seize the island behind our backs!" Connie looks down, tucking his face in his shoulder. "I'm tired of being betrayed like this! By Reiner and Bertholdt...Annie...Eren! I'm fucking done!"

"You think that we're stupid? Why would any of us choose to assist Eren and become unable to have children if we wanted?"

Armin walks up to Connie, pulling him away from Onyankopon. "Let's hear him out, Connie. He might have something to tell us,"

Onyankopon falls to the ground, reaching his hands for his neck. "I didn't know about the wine or the euthanasia plan, for that matter. None of the other volunteers knew either,"

Niccolo steps forward. "I think he's telling the truth. Yelena forbid us to talk about the wine with any of the volunteers."

Onyankopon nods, looking out to all of you. "Above all, the last thing that I want is the euthanasia of all Eldians! We wanted to develop Paradis and defeat Marley together! We abandoned our whole lives to come to this island for that exact purpose" He picks up his hands, holding them out. "We did this because we believed that this island deserved a future. Children are the future! If the euthanasia plan is enacted, then why did we even come here? Surely not for a vacation!"

You look down at Onyankopon and hold out your hand. "I believe you."

Connie's mouth falls open and he takes a step closer to you. "Hey...What?"

Onyankopon grabs your hand, slowly standing up. "I remember when we first met you, you told us that everyone exists because someone wants us to, even the Subjects of Ymir. Because diversity would make life interesting...You showed that your values are the exact opposite of Zeke's, so I believe you."

Jean looks at Onyankopon, a frown still on his face. "I believe you too, but what are we expected to do? If we help Eren and Zeke, won't the euthanasia plan still be executed?"

Onyankopon shakes his head and curls his hand into a fist. "We'll stop them before that happens, but if we lose them today, the island will have no protection."

"Then what are you saying we do?"

Onyankopon shrugs, frantic from all the pressure. "We have to let Eren start a small-scale Rumbling. The world has to experience it at least once, then you'll have time to build a military and technology."

Armin nods and looks towards Mikasa. "What do you want to do, Mikasa? Do you want to help Eren?"

She slowly nods and reaches for her neck, her scarf no longer hanging there. "Yes...But I'm sure it's my Ackerman instincts, not my free will."

Armin shakes his head and looks down. "I think that's a lie he made up, same with the euthanasia plan." He holds out his arms, looking between everyone. "Come on, Eren making it so Eldians could no longer have children, does that sound like him?"

You shrug and stick your hands in your pockets. "As much as we'd all like to think it's not like him, everything he's already done isn't like him. We can't say it's impossible,"

"But it is impossible! It's Eren!" Armin looks at all of you, his voice getting louder.

Connie cuts over him, brows furrowed and fists clenched. "Then you tell us, Armin! Why doesn't he just go against Zeke and Yelena?"

Armin looks at Connie, face turning red. "Zeke and Yelena don't matter! The one who decides how to use the Founder is Eren and no one else!" Armin looks up at the ceiling and watches as more rubble falls to the ground. "From the moment Yelena proposed her plan, Eren had no choice but to follow along. If he refused, I don't know what Yelena did...But if he agreed and made her think he was their ally, he could protect the island with the Rumbling!"

You look at Armin, his face softened from his previous yelling. "But even if he just let the Titans from Shiganshina go, then the rest of the world would have to leave us alone...We'd be safe for at the very least 50 years." You scratch the side of your face, feeling more dirt from the ceiling fall down. "If those were his intentions, then Zeke and Yelena were just his keys to using the Founder..."

Armin nods at you, "Exactly, if I'm correct then Eren just used them so he could access the Paths."

Jean crosses his arms and sighs. "I've been saying it for a while now, but he's a dangerous piece of shit...giving us a one-way ticket to hell like this. And I used to envy him because he was so damn cool, but as much as it pains me to say it, I don't want him to die yet."

Connie nods and Sasha places a hand on his shoulder. "I've wanted to knock him upside the head pretty hard some days, but never as much as this."

Connie looks at her over his shoulder, a scowl on his face. "If that bastard kicks the bucket now, neither of us will get to do it."

Onyankopon nods and grabs his keys. "Then we're going to let our all of the captive soldiers!"

Sasha gives Niccolo a kiss on the cheek before patting his shoulder. "Watch my family for me, okay? I wanna see all of you again!"

He holds his cheek with his hand and nods, his face slowly turning red. "Yeah, of course!"

\---

"Why is abandoning us like this? Why would he say those things?"

You pat Mikasa's shoulder, a frown on your face. "He...He made up a lie to you. Even I know that you get headaches, he just wanted to make his words more believable."

Armin speaks from behind the two of you, slowly trudging up the stairs.

"When we see Eren again...we'll ask him."

\---

  
850, Hours After Utgard Castle

_You look over your shoulder and sigh, Reiner's arm is still bandaged and limp. 'He needs to be more careful...Isn't this his second encounter with a titan?'_

_Reiner and Bertholdt are talking with Eren, just the three of them. You turn your attention back to Hange and Moblit's conversation. "Titans that can dig...that'd be another issue to try and locate them. For now, let's just worry about transporting Ymir,"_

_You look behind you again, not wanting to leave Reiner behind with a most likely broken arm. You sigh and turn back, speedwalking so you don't get too far behind everyone else. Armin and Mikasa look back at you._

_"Where are you going?" Armin asks._

_You nod your head over at Reiner, a worried frown on your face. "Krista said he hurt his arm pretty bad. If he broke it, I don't want him to go too long without it getting treated." Armin simply nods before walking off with Mikasa._

_Eren looks out of the corner of his eye at you, then back at Reiner. You nod at him and rest one of your hands on your blades, thinking back to what Hange had said._

_\---_

'For now, we can't trust Reiner or Bertholdt...they're under suspicion.'

_\---_

_"Right now? Where would you take me anyway?"_

_Reiner sighs and starts to fiddle with his arm bandages. "I can't exactly tell you...But think of it as our home village," He looks up at Bertholdt who's sweating bullets. "What do you say? It's not a bad deal for you, considering there won't be any issues if we leave now."_

_Eren bites his lip and looks down at his hands. "What am I expected to answer?" He looks back at you from the corner of his eye again. He slaps a hand on Reiner's shoulder, a worried smile on his face. "You're just tired. Right, Bertholdt? You went through hell and back just now, you're probably tired."_

_Bertholdt frantically nods his head, patting Reiner's back. "Yes! He's right Reiner, you must be tired!"_

_Eren pulls his hand back and points to himself. "Besides, if you were really responsible for mass murder, why would you have this conversation with me? Would you really expect me to meekly follow you?"_

_Reiner's eyes widen and he starts to touch his face. "I'm tired...yeah. I don't know what I was thinking. Have I gone crazy...?"_

_Eren turns around, starting to walk towards you. "Anyway, let's head to town for now."_

_"I've been here for too long. Spent over three of my life surrounded by fools, that's why I said something like that." Reiner's eyes start to tear up, his voice shaking. "We were just brats who didn't know anything...If only I'd never learned of those fool's existence...I would've never become the shitty bastard I am now!"_

_He starts to unwrap his arm, pulling the sling over his head. "I don't know what right and wrong anymore...But I do know that no matter what I chose and what consequences come from my choices...as a Warrior I have to take responsibility and fulfill my duty until the bitter end."_

_'So Hange was right? Big brother my ass...' You start to run at Reiner as he raises his hand to his mouth and throw one of your blades at him. It cuts off one of his hands and slices halfway through the other._

_Mikasa looks over her shoulder at the sound of Reiner's scream and grabs one of her blades. "Eren! Move!"_

_She runs at Bertholdt and swings her blade at him, cutting halfway into his neck and one of his wrists._

_Eren takes a step back, but not before Reiner and Bertholdt transform right on top of the walls. You hold your arm in front of your face, blocking out the steam and rocks that had been blown up. Eyes squinted, you look around, trying to find Eren in the midst of steam._

_You hear a blood-curdling scream from Krista."Ymir! No!" Ymir's body is lifted in the air, almost crushed by Bertholdt's hand. "No, stop! Let her go!"_

_Everything is loud, so loud. There are screams coming from all around you, rapid footsteps, and white noise coming from all the steam exuding from Reiner and Bertholdt's Titan forms. It's starting to clear and you finally notice, Eren is gone._

_You run to the edge of the wall, the last place you saw him. "Eren?!" You latch your ODM gear onto the wall, settling next to Mikasa, her face heavily flushed from the heat. "Where's Eren? He's okay, right?"_

_She frantically shakes her head and points to her right. Mikasa leans in closer to you and yells, her voice still low compared to all the chaos around you."He got grabbed by the Armored! I think he's still ali-"_

_Her words are interrupted by a crashing 'boom' and a flash of light. Mikasa whips her head to the ground and her face floods with relief. "Eren!"_

_You look down at the ground where Eren's body has fallen. 'Why did I hesitate? I should have killed them while I had the chance...'_

_Mikasa bumps shoulders with you and nods her head down. "Eren needs our help, we can't dwell on missed opportunities." You nod at her and swing down, latching onto one of the trees on the field. She swings down next to you and points at Reiner. "Try to get his nape!" She yells out. "We won't miss this time!"_

_You nod and latch onto Reiner, swinging your blade at his nape. You hear a loud 'crack' and look down at your hand to see a broken blade. "Shit! Mikasa!" She turns her head to you. "His armor! Our blades can't cut through it, go back before you get hit!"_

_She just nods at you before landing on one of the trees. None of you can do anything but watch as Eren gets hit by Reiner, his eyes getting pulled out of his Titan's head. You can hear Armin's screams from on top of the wall._

_"Eren, you need to retreat! There's no way to beat them right now!" Armin cups his mouth with his hands and leans forward. "Eren, fighting him won't change anything! You need to come back!"_

_You watch as Eren runs at Reiner, ignoring Armin's warnings. He pins down Reiner and starts to pull at one of his arms. Armin jumps down from the wall, latching on trees along the way. He lands on the tree between you and Mikasa._

_The three of you watch as Reiner's arm gets pulled off and discarded. Eren stands up and runs away from Reiner who's still laying on the ground. Mikasa looks over at you and Armin, her face painted with awe. "He...he did it! Eren did it!"_

_Armin drops off of the tree and starts running to Eren. You and Mikasa run after him, getting closer to Reiner's steaming body. As the Armored Titan starts to stand up, Armin stops running and holds his hands around his mouth._

_"EREN! Please escape while you can and run towards the wall! They plan to kidnap you and we have to prevent it from happening!"_

_You set a hand on Armin's shoulder, pulling him closer to you. "You really think that Reiner and Bert would let him escape that easy? They won't hesitate to follow him and break down the walls a second time,"_

_Reiner and Eren exchange more punches, steam billowing from their bodies. Mikasa starts to walk backward, fumbling for her ODM gear. "We have to get out of here! It's too dangerous to be this close!"_

_You nod and pull Armin with, running towards the trees again. You start to latch your way to the wall when you hear pounding footsteps behind you. You look over your shoulder and see Eren walking towards the wall._

_Armin looks behind him, his hair matted to his forehead. "That's right, Eren! This is the right choice!"_

_Hange starts to scale the wall, slowly getting closer to the rest of you. You hear another set of footsteps and point at Reiner, his body slowly getting closer to Eren. "He's going to try it again. How are we going to get Eren away from him?"_

_Armin flicks his eyes to you and then back to Eren. "...It's like you said, it'll be next to impossible to escape from Reiner."_

_Hange drops onto Eren's shoulder, yelling next to his ear. "Eren! For you to escape, we need to slow Reiner down so you can get away. Try to use the locking move on him and break off his legs," Hange looks down at their hands and tilts their blades around. "Against his armor, our blades are useless. For now, we have to use our brains if we want to beat him."_

_You hand the remainder of your blades to Mikasa, being careful not to cut yourself. "Mikasa, take these. You have better precision than me, so use them if they ask." She nods at you before sliding them next to hers._

_You look up just in time to see Reiner running at Eren. He tackles him and Eren's head slams against the wall, sending tremors up your whole body. Mikasa leans forward, her eyes squeezed shut. "Eren, get up! Don't fall now!"_

_Hange leans forward, looking closer at Reiner's body. "If his whole body was covered in armor, why can he move so swiftly? When it came to armor in the past, certain body parts couldn't be covered with metal...armpits, crotch, and..." Hange looks over to Mikasa. "Get the back of his knees!"_

_Mikasa nods before swinging forward, darting towards Reiner's body. She flies past, slicing her blade through Reiner's legs. They fall limp and Eren starts to pull at them, the muscle slowly ripping apart._

_Reiner tilts his head up and lets out a blood-curdling screech. You cover your ears, pulling your shoulders up to help muffle the noise. Hange looks around before catching everyone's attention._

_"Check the area! He might've called titans!"_

_Most of the soldiers next to you disperse before coming back seconds later. "No titan sightings in the vicinity, just him and the Colossal."_

_Hange nods before turning their attention to Eren and Reiner. Eren is still pulling at Reiner's limbs, a deafening crack ringing out after the side of Reiner's neck starts to disconnect from his left shoulder._

_"Hey!" You hear a loud scream and look to see who was yelling. "ABOVE YOU!"_

_You look up, eyes widening at the sight. Above you was the Colossal Titan, his mouth wide open._

_'Today is the day. The day that I die,'_


	16. xi

"Damn, it's hot out here." You pull at your shirt, already feeling yourself start to sweat as your eyes look at the damage. There's a giant hole right in front of you and you would've walked straight into it if it wasn't for Mikasa's quick reflexes. "Thanks," You offer.

She just nods before looking to her rigth, staring at something. It's impossible to not notice Yelena's body, sitting with her legs crossed. She's simply staring into the sky and you can tell she's smiling even if you can't see her face.

She looks over her shoulder at you, waving before looking back at the exploding airships. "The time will come very soon...When the Yeager brothers change history," She points to the damaged wall and you can feel the bile rising up your throat as he throws more boulders, far too familiar to the sight you saw when your mother died.

Jean furrows his brow, stepping closer to Yelena. "Zeke? There's no way Levi would let him free..." Jean gazes over at Zeke, watching as a group of airships explodes above him. "What happened to the Captain and Hange?"

Yelena tilts her head, choppy blonde locks falling around her face. "Isn't it obvious? Zeke showed up at the promised time and place...It seems as though they've been defeated,"

"That's bullshit-" Connie rolls up his sleeves and walks over Yelena.

Armin steps in front of Connie, holding up his arms. "Can't you see that this had to be done? It's the only way for Eren and Zeke to save the world!" Yelena hops down from her seat, sauntering over to Armin. "We have to join the Yeager faction and help Zeke and Eren make contact!"

Yelena contorts her face, all harsh lines and deep wrinkles. She places a hand on Armin's shoulder, watching him slowly turn his head. "I trust in you, Armin...So please, help Zeke and Eren."

\---

You can hear the sound of bullets grazing the rooftop as you pull Jean's shirt, barely saving him from getting shot. "Be careful! Can't have that pretty face eating lead now, can we?"

He just rolls his eyes at you before peeking over the rooftop again, surveying the area. "I don't think we can get any closer to Eren. There are too many enemies surrounding the area,"

It's impossible to not see the Jaw Titan leap at Eren, a clear attempt at getting to his nape. It's even harder to ignore the barrage of boulders and rocks that come raining on the Jaw's body, courtesy of Zeke.

You look over to the wall to see a steaming heap of bones, still armed with machinery. "Look," You tap on Mikasa's shoulder. "I think the Yeager faction was able to kill the Cart! It's looks like just her skeleton from here!"

Armin turns his head at your words, glancing up at her body. "Then that must mean that Zeke is planning-" His words are interrupted by a terrifying 'boom' and all you can see is a brown blur crashing down from the wall.

"That's Zeke!" Sasha cries out, frantically pointing at the ground. "The Titans have a distinctive way of breathing...Be quite for a second," She holds a finger to her lips, shushing all of your friends around her. Her eyes are closed and her lips are slightly parted as she listens, trying to find any indication he was still alive. "It sounds like...like he's dead. Barely alive if he's still here,"

You look over at the wall and point again, this time at the missing plume of steam. "Then the Cart must still be alive. We need to incapacitate her first-"

"Hey!" Connie pushes his hand on the back of your head, slamming you face first into the roof top. You can feel the pebbles on the shingles grinding into your face and it almost distracts you from the distinct sound of bullets shooting the spot where your head just was.

"Shit, Connie! Did you have to push down me that hard?" You slowly pick up your head, waiting for your vision to clear up. You squint at one of the houses in front of you, swearing that you had just seen a blur of white run past the window.

Jean raises his eyebrows at you, brushing off the gravel that was embedded in your cheek. "Look who was about to eat lead just then...We both know it wasn't me." He steps back and brushes his hand on his pants, a mix of blood and dirt smearing on his leg.

Mikasa gently pulls at your shirt, helping you get up. "There are enemies inside of the houses too, Armin. We have to retreat and take care of Marley's army before we deal with the Cart!"

Armin shakes his head and points at the soldiers, all of them sporting pristine white uniforms. "We have to circle around them, attack them from the back!"

He changes course, leading everyone in a big loop across the houses. You find yourself frequently looking at the walls, trying to see what was happening.

It's when you hear an ear bursting roar from what could only be Zeke's Titan do you feel yourself stop moving. Bright flashes of light flicker across the city, reminiscent of bolts of lightning.

Jean pauses as well, his eyes widening. "That was Zeke, wasn't it?" He slowly shakes his head, looking at all the titans in the area. "Then we have to finish off the Cart before the military kills Zeke and Eren for real this time!"

Armin and Mikasa step off the the side, looking at the wall. "We need to split up! Mikasa and I will take care of the Cart and you four will watch over Eren!" He starts to run off, latching on to houses as he does. "Help him as best as you can!"

\---

"Was that Falco...?" You wipe your forehead, feeling yourself start to sweat even more from all of the steam in the area. "He just...He ate the Jaw!"

You notice that Eren's Titan looks different, a glassy sheen to it from far away. Reiner picks up his hand, reaching for a small blur that's running past. _'Is that...Eren?'_

Jean knocks you out of your frantic panicking when he shouts, arming himself with his thunder spears. "Get Reiner's hand! He's trying to get Eren!"

It's easy to watch Reiner's fingers fall off, easy to watch Eren run to Zeke's mangled body, easy to watch as Zeke stretches out a desperate hand that's searching for relief.

But it's not easy to watch as Gabi loads an anti-Titan rifle, her small hands shaking as she does so. All you see is your hands stretching out to him, a nearly perfect reflection of Zeke.

**"Eren!"**

\---

-1 month in Marley-

_"You know how we love each other?"_

_Your question almost catches him off guard, his eyes slightly widening. "What of it?" Your eyes widen and you place a hand on your chest in mock offense. "If you want some of my food, just say so."_

_You kiss his cheek and he can feel you smiling through it. "I was thinking we split each of them halfway, but if you so desire."_

_He glances at you out of the corner of his eye as you cut your sandwich in half with a butter knife, sliding one of the halves on his plate. He can't even look at you, too ashamed of what he was about to do._

_"Hey," Eren looks up at the sound of your voice, your face soft and sweet. "I do love you, you know. Stop looking so down on yourself," You have a smile on your face as you say the last part._

_"Would you love me if I did some shitty stuff?"_

_You shrug and poke at your sandwich with the knife, glancing up at him. "I hope I would. I'd like to think that you would have a solid reasoning behind your "shitty" actions, and besides, we've all done...bad stuff."_

_Eren stares at you, his eyes piercing your face. "Can you promise to love me until I die?"_

_Your smile falters and you slowly nod, reaching for his hand. **"Yeah, totally. I'll love you for like- ever."**_

_He nods solidly and stands up, your hands still intertwined. "Let's come here again sometime," His voice is quiet and you can't help but frown at his tone. He tightens his grip on your hand, a dull warmth blossoming in your chest._

_While it was always in the back of your mind, his premature death was nothing you found yourself pondering. At least he was upfront about it, his awareness keeping you grounded, keeping you from getting your hopes up._

_"That'd be really great." You turn your head to look at the clock on the cafes wall, sighing. "We should head back soon, shouldn't we?"_

_Eren starts to walk away from the table, hands still clasped together. He looks at the clock, jade eyes glancing at it. "We have a few hours yet. We can go sightseeing if you want,"_

_You follow him as he walks out of the restaurant, only stepping front of him when he opens the door for you. The streets are quiet, mostly empty. You knew that when you turned the corner, there would probably be a crowd of people there, where else could they be?_

_As you turn the corner, you find out that you're correct. The street is lined with cars, one limousine hidden amongst them, all parked in front of a church. Just as Eren is about to point out the limo, the church's door bust open, a couple walking out hand in hand, just like you and Eren were standing._

_A crowd of people come flooding after the couple, cheers ringing out. Your grasp on Eren's hand tightens and you stare at the couple. 'Would we ever get married...? Would either of us even be alive?'_

_Eren looks over at you, his hair covering his eyes. "What if we did that? It'd be something to pass the time while we're out,"_

_You turn your head to look at him, tucking a stray piece of hair behind his ear. He stands up straight and you can't help but let your mouth drop open. "Eren...Getting married isn't something that you just...do. You have to plan for it and have money and we really don't have the latter right now,"_

_He shrugs and starts walking, pulling you along with him. "It was just a thought and besides, we don't have to actually do it. If we just get some rings or something, then we can get free cake from restaurants." You frown at him, a small scoff of disbelief escaping your lips._

_"What if we got caught? That seems like something Connie and Sasha would be getting in trouble for,"_

_Eren raises his eyebrows and leans his face in next to yours, a small grin gracing his features. "It would be fun though, wouldn't it?" He kisses your cheek and pulls his face away, starting to swing your arms._

_You look over at him, feeling your face heat up at his persistence. You chew on your thumb, looking up and down the streets for a store. "Do you think they sell rings at the pharmacy?"_

_He stops walking and looks at you, tucking a piece of his hair behind his ear. "Eh?"_

_"At that corner store over there. Do you think they sell cheap rings?"_

_He raises his chin and closes his eyes, leading you down the street. "Let's go and see," He starts to walk faster, long legs weaving between the people loitering on the sidewalks._

_The bell on the store's door rings as the two of you walk in, fingers still intertwined. You look over to him, withdrawing you hand. "We'll split up and get rings and a gift, alright?" You look over to the clock above the checkout lane. "If we get our stuff within 30 minutes we can hit up least four different bakeries,"_

_Eren nods before walking off down a random aisle, waving to you before he did. You feel your face heat up at his small action, holding the side of your face as you walked through the store. It was a futile search, as Eren was the type of person you couldn't just buy a gift for._

_For him, things were better off homemade or a small memory, like the flower wreaths Ymir had taught you how to make. It didn't look that nice, but it was the thought that counted. You had even gone as far as to stop at all the local flower vendors, asking if they had the special flowers you needed based on their meanings._

_An eye-catching display pulls you out of your thoughts,, the bolded words almost forcing you to look._

**_Cameras, the future's time capsule! Buy one today and don't spend any more money on pricey photoshoots!_ **

_You tilt your head and take a step closer to the display, picking up one of the boxes from the shelf. The box said that it came with film and instructions, but you decided to grab a small packet of film from the stand next to the display._

_Satisfied with your decision, you hastily make your way to the jewelry section, not wanting to bump into Eren. Once you saw that the coast was clear, you speed walk over and pick the first ring that fits your ring finger, not bothering to look at the price. You look around again before walking to the cash register and handing your objects to the cashier._

_Once they're all neatly bagged up, you walk over to the exit and see Eren waving at you next to the door. He hands you his plastic bag, the ring on his left hand catching the store light. You reach into your bag and slip on your ring before handing Eren his gift._

_The bag is light in your hands, swishing around as you watch Eren open his bag, his eyes slightly widening when he sees. He carefully reaches for the box, turning it over in his hands. Turquoise glances up at you through his lashes, a genuine smile on his face._

_He leans in and kisses your cheek, before staring at his camera like a little kid looks at a new toy. "Wait, open yours. But don't get too excited, it's nothing as good as a new camera,"_

_You reach into the bag, smiling. "It'll be nice, whatever it is." Your hand curling around a cool surface. Eyes widening as you pull it out, a pocket knife sits in the palm of your hand. It's gorgeous and you come to find it's sharp as you flick out the blade. "Woah...Are they even allowed to sell knives this sharp in department stores?"_

_Eren shrugs before ushering you to put your knife away, his eyes landing on your ring as you do so. "Nice ring, matches mine." You furrow your brows and hold up your hand to see that it does in fact match Eren's, a simple silver band._

_You nod your head before walking out of the store. "You know what they say...We must be connected or something."_

_\---_

_It's late when the two of you get back, all goofy smiles and sore feet. You're each holding a bag filled to the brim with sweets, sugar practically wafting into the air. Sasha comes walking past the entryway, her head held high in the air._

_She whips her head over and points an accusatory finger, flicking her bangs out of her eyes. "It was you! I knew something smelt good!" She sneaks closer, sliding an arm around your shoulders. "How about the two of you leave me with these bags and we'll call it a deal?"_

_Eren fiddles with his camera strap, trying to pull it over his neck. "A deal for what? If you want some then just ask, we'll say no either way."_

_Sasha leans back, a devious look taking over her features. "That's the thing, lovebirds. You do owe me something. Levi's been wondering where the two of you were all day and if you just leave those bags in my room, I won't say a thing."_

_You scoff and pull Eren's hand, leading him away from the entryway. Sasha flips you off, sticking her tongue out as she starts to head back to her own room. You turn around on the staircase looking back at her._

_"It's okay, Sasha. As long as we have each other and cake, we'll survive._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh ereh tucking his hair behind his ear💕 i was going to save that for my jean fic but my brain couldnt function with that thought roaming free in my head🙄 (whatever, bc i know damn well that im going to probably add it to the jean fic either way)
> 
> anyway, let's talk about how gravity falls is like...good- i haven't watched it in almost 4 years and ended up binge watching it in 2 days😃


	17. xii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bye because I was bored and decided to read ahead in Jujutsu Kaisen and read through the whole thing in one day :) 
> 
> I mean, it was good, but fuck chapter 120. All my homies hate chapter 120.
> 
> (lmao don't read ch 120 while listening to 'Nobody' by Mitski. it was my first mistake)

Your breathing is labored as you fall to your knees, your lungs starting to burn. _'I've been so good...I never cry,_ ** _never_** _.'_ You frantically wipe at your eyes, trying to stop the tears before they fall.

It's useless as you completely let yourself go. There's a second of disbelief, pure confusion as you scrutinize what you had just seen. You've never been one to cry, normally seeing it as more harm than good. But it's different now because he's dead and you saw his head fly off of his shoulders.

_'Like my mom...He died like my mom.'_

Jean and Connie land on the rooftop and you wipe at your face, your fingernails cutting into your cheeks. Jean pulls at your wrists, pulling your hands away from your face.

"Are-"

" _He's dead_." Your voice is hoarse as your tears mix in with the blood on your face. "Jean, he's gone. I saw it."

Sasha sets a hand on your shoulder as you stare at the spot where Eren's body was lying. "I know but-"

There's a rumbling sound and you can feel the rooftop you're on start to shake. Connie looks around, shielding your quaking form from whatever was out there.

Your eyes widen as you look up in front of you and see cracks starting to form in the walls- eyes and noses peeking out past the stone. You pat Jean's shoulder, ignoring the small blotches of blood your fingers leave behind.

"Jean," You croak out. "The walls...they're falling."

He whips his head around and his body goes rigid. "Those are Titans, the Wall Titans."

You're about to get up and look for Armin and Mikasa when you see it, a horrifying...Titan? It's skeletal and has long, dark hair, similar to- _Eren's._

You gag and push Jean out of the way, feeling vomit make its way up your throat. You cough as you stare at the ground, feeling the shingles from the rooftop dig into your palms. As you wipe your mouth, you feel the melodic thumping of footsteps.

Straight through Shiganshina, there was a line of Titans. From what you could see Wall Maria was completely deconstructed, the Titans making their way out of Shiganshina. Wall Rose was also destroyed, heaps of rubble settled by the feet of the Titans.

Eren was making his way away from Shiganshina, the Wall Titans slowly trudging behind him. You stumble over to Jean and Connie as you stare in awe, the hysteria dulling the sting of the cuts you had made on your cheeks.

You point to Eren's Titan, feeling your eyes slightly gloss over. "The Rumbling...he did it, you guys."

You should be disappointed, scared even, but you can't help the euphoria that rushes through your body when you realize that this means Eren is still alive.

And then you feel it. Like a shockwave sent running through your body, not unlike when Sasha would shock you after running around in her socks. Your tongue feels cottony and numb in your mouth as you hear it, as you see it.

The world goes dark as his words reverberate through your body, through your soul.

_"To all the Subjects of Ymir,"_

The air leaves your lungs as the world goes back to normal, a cold sweat covering your body. Just as you've adjusted to the sudden light, your consciousness is dipped back into that sand field and starry sky.

_"My name is Eren Yeager. I'm using the power of the Founding Titan to address all of Ymir's subjects. The hardening of all the Walls present on Paradis island has come undone and, all Titans entrapped within them have started marching. My objective is to protect the people of Paradis, the place where I was born and raised. However, the world wishes for the annihilation of the people of Paradis. The hatred that has been swelling up for so long will certainly not end until not just the Paradisians, but all of Ymir's Subjects have been eliminated. I reject this wish. The Wall Titans shall trample all earth outside of this island underfoot until all life existing there has been exterminated from this world."_

\---

-The Battle for Shiganshina-

_Your whole body shudders as the blast happens and then comes the smoke. Even from the other side of the wall, you can smell it, the smell of burning bodies and houses. A billowing tuft of steam starts to rise, lighter and less bleak than the smoke._

_"Damnit," Levi grunts. "Do you think Hange got caught in the blast?"_

_"The explosion didn't happen immediately after the barrel got on the other side of the wall..." You chew on your thumb, keeping your gaze on the Beast Titan. "There's always the chance that they were able to get away from-"_

_There's a resounding silence as a rock shoots past your face, barely grazing your cheek. The reek of blood flows through the air as rocks and boulders come in your direction. As limbs and torsos soar indiscriminately._

_Levi practically drags you off of the rooftop with him, your fingers almost slipping out of his hand. It's a tricky dance keeping up with him as he makes his way to Erwin, your fingers tangling with each other as you secure your ODM gear into the houses._

_As Levi converses with Erwin, you feel your foot get snagged on something. You look down and see a boy (is he really a boy if he volunteered to go past the walls?) with red hair crumpled up in front of you. You grab his shoulders and pull him up, checking to see if he had any injuries._

_Upon observing he was okay, your face distorted into a scowl. "What's your name?"_

_"...Floch."_

_"Well, you're not injured so why are you just sitting here? You wanna die or something?" You drag him behind a house and prop him up. "You'll be safer here, just be careful."_

_You make your way over to Erwin and Levi, looking over your shoulder to check on the line of titans in the field. "It's no use, if we retreat using the wall, then we're forced to leave the horses behind," Erwin stated._

_"What happened to Eren's group?" Levi asked. "Is Hange okay?"_

_Erwin sighs, glancing to the wall. "We've no way of knowing. As it stands, the Beast Titan has taken out many of our soldiers." Erwin turns to face the recruits, his eyes slightly glazed over. "It seems that the only survivors within the walls are the recruits, Captain Levi, and me."_

_You can't tell if it's the screaming or the racket of the boulders slamming against the houses that are making your ears buzz. You close your eyes and tap your fingers against your thigh, trying to clear your thoughts._

_'I might die today - no - it's expected that I'll die today.' You open your eyes and wipe a stray tear before it fell, not allowing yourself to get upset. 'Likely...That means I might survive and I can't die yet. Not before my friends see everything they want to see.'_

_"Erwin..." Levi starts. "Do you have a plan?"_

_Right as he says it, a collision comes from the other side of the wall. There it is, Eren's Titan laid across the top of the wall, his limbs tangled in a heap of debris. Another round of boulders come at the houses, sounding much closer than any of the other ones did._

_Levi's mouth drops open in irritation as he looks up at Eren. A deep frown carves its way on his face and you can hear his thoughts running through his head. 'Hange- If Eren was blown away then the chances of anyone else surviving is slim.'_

_"It looks like the Beast was aiming around here," Erwin looks between you and Levi. "This place is going to turn into a hornet's nest anytime."_

_Levi runs a hand down his face, before taking a deep breath. "You're telling me we don't have a plan? Not a single counterattack?" Erwin just shakes his head, eliciting another sigh from Levi. "Then we're going to plan a retreat."_

_You point to Eren's body on top of the wall, Levi, and Erwin following your gaze. "If we wake up Eren and have him take as many soldiers as possible, there would be at least some lives saved." You can hear shouts from behind you, a few blunt sounds of kicks being exchanged. "As long as Erwin and Eren return safely, the Scouts...the damage will be moderately repairable."_

_You look over your shoulder at the sound of hysteric sobbing to see the boy from earlier, the one you dragged behind the house. "It's no use to keep track of the horses if none of us are alive to ride them back home!" He pulls at his hair, waves of tears tumbling down his face. "When they asked me if I was brave enough to fight for humanity, I really thought that I was...Our deaths will be insignificant. Those that have meaning are outweighed by those that don't."_

_Levi replaces his blades as he looks down, trying to ignore the chaos taking place just a few feet behind him. "I'll defeat the Beast Titan. Draw him out so you and Eren can return alive."_

_Erwin just blinks at him, a blank expression on his face. "That's impossible, Levi."_

_"Yeah, it probably is. But at this point we have no choice but to go to the extreme," Levi explains. "If we keep standing here then I don't think any of us are going to survive."_

_Erwin nods as the Beast Titan collects another boulder, grinding it between his palms. "That would be the case if we didn't have any means to counterattack."_

_Your eyes widen as the Beast winds his arm back. "A counterattack...?"_

_"Yeah."_

_Levi grits his teeth. "Why wouldn't you tell us? You have us shitting our guts out right next to you and you didn't say anything?"_

_Erwin ignores Levi's crude statements. "If it goes correctly then you might be able to take down the Beast Titan."_

_A flurry of gravel comes through the cluster of houses, pieces of plywood and bricks sailing across the land. Erwin looks down at Levi and then to you. "For that to happen, these recruits and I must sacrifice our lives."_

_You feel the breath leave your lungs at the thought. Erwin continues as he looks across the distraught recruits, a look of pity flashing over his face. "We three know that no matter what happens, most of us will die-" He chuckles a bit before correcting himself. "No, more likely that all of us will die."_

_"In that case, we have no choice but to bet our lives on a slight opportunity of victory." Erwin's eyes fall to the ground in front of him, blankly staring. "I'll have to sweet-talk them, con them into sacrificing themselves. Unless I'm on the front line, they won't follow."_

_He takes a deep breath. "And so...I will die on the front line, never finding out what's in that basement." Erwin trudges over to a crate, you and Levi following behind him. "I just...I want to see it. The only reason I think I made it this far is because I thought I could finally get the answers I've been looking for."_

_He clenches his left hand, his face oh so pale in the overcast weather. "There have been so many times where death would've been easier...but my father's dream just wouldn't leave my head. And now, I'm right here with the answer just a breath away..."_

_Levi's eyes widen at Erwin's confession and you feel yourself slowly start to disconnect from what's happening. "Levi, can you see our fallen comrades? This battle is far from over...and this delusion...it's all in my head isn't it?"_

_Levi kneels and places his hand on Erwin's knee, glancing over at you. "Then I'll decide for you. You're going to give up on your dreams and die, all while leading those recruits to hell. I'll take down the Beast Titan." Levi looks over at you, Erwin's head still hanging down. "You'll check the situation on the other side of the wall. If people are there, you'll assist them. If not, you're going to get Eren and load him up."_

_You check your ODM gear as Levi waves you off, helping Erwin up. Erwin grabs the sleeve of your shirt before you walk off, your wrist caught in his death grip. "Both of you, survive. See what's out there...for yourselves."_

_You pat his hand and slowly blinking the tears away from your eyes. You weren't an astounding soldier, but if you going to obey any order flawlessly, it was this._

_\---_

_A hot bath is all that's on your mind as you roll your shoulders in a poor attempt to work out the knots. There's a thick layer of grime and blood matted into your hair. You didn't even know who's blood it was, either Jean or Sasha's._

_Jean stumbles and you reach out to steady him, cautious of his wounded shoulder. "Careful," You mumble as you hook your arm around his waist. "If you fall-"_

_"Is that Armin?"_

_You slowly look in the direction Jean was facing and see it- see them. Bertholdt's limbless body, Erwin's pallid complexion, and a charred body that had to have been Armin's._

_Mikasa lets out a horrified scream as Levi unwraps the syringe, reaching for the glittering fluid. Hange holds her back and yells over her sobs. "Mikasa, we can't afford to lose Erwin! We've lost so many lives and we can't lose the symbol of humanity among them!"_

_"But Armin! He could do the same for us, he could be the new symbol."_

_Hange holds Mikasa tighter against them, their eye tearing up. "Armin's aptitude is indeed brilliant, but our battles will go on for much longer."_

_Mikasa wraps her fingers around Hange's wrist, starting to squeeze. "I want to bring people back too, so many people." Hange whimpers out. "As soon as I joined the Scouts, these endless stories of parting began. Regardless of who we are or what we do, we will always end up separated by life and death." Mikasa's grip loosens on Hange as they wrap their arms around her. "All we can do is move forward."_

_Mikasa's weeping slows down to small hiccups as Eren crawls over to Levi. "Captain, do you know about the ocean? It's a giant lake and it stretches beyond the horizon...It's filled with so much salt that a merchant could never empty it-"_

_Floch pulls Eren away from Levi, dragging him across the rooftop. "Stop it! Let him do what he needs to do!"_

_Eren just raises his voice, reaching an arm out to Levi. "It was just a childhood dream, to leave the walls and see the ocean together. I didn't even remember it the next day!" Eren wipes his chin, blood smearing across his wrist and hand. "I was here to get revenge for my mother, to kill all the titans. But Armin...He held onto his dream and-"_

_"Get out. Now!" Levi grabs Bertholdt's collar and raises the syringe. "I don't want Erwin to eat anyone other than Bertholdt!"_

_It's impossibly quiet as you pull Eren away from Armin's body, as Eren slaps your shoulder and tries to escape your grasp. His voice is raspy as he holds his arm out behind you, "...Armin,"_

_You hold back a sob as you land on the rooftop, placing Eren down as gently as you can. "Eren..." You muster out, reaching for him. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry." You hold his face with your hands as he cries, brushing away his tears with your thumbs._

_"I'm sorry," You repeat, over and over again. "I'm sorry, I should've said something. I'm sorry."_

_"For what?" He croaks out. "Nothing would change their minds." His eyes are rimmed with red, resembling the blood that had dried on his chin. "Armin will never see...He won't see it."_

_Eren's voice cracks on the last word as a new wave of tears fall down his face. You hold him as he cries into your shoulder, feeling incredibly helpless. 'I should've said something. Just something that could've helped.'_

_Your thoughts are cut by the sound of splintering, the sound of a house being crushed. Eren lifts his head, his eyes slightly widening as he taps your shoulder. "...Look. Look."_

_You oblige and look over your shoulder, expecting to see Erwin pulling himself out of a titan. The titan has blonde hair, the style too short to have been Erwin's._

_"Armin...?"_

\---


End file.
